Liberty and Justice.....

:)

My First Attempt At Jewelry Making.......

Happy Hanukkah!

My menorah tonight. It was the 8th night of Hanukkah. Hanukkah next year starts at sunset on 8 December 2012. Mazel Tov!

Basis For Comparison

Don't know how much more I can take. My endometriosis seems to be flaring up again. The pain is unreal. It seems that my physical and mental problems have, over the years, robbed me of any semblance of a normal life. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. It just seems like it never ends. I wish I could put hope in the afterlife, but how could I, after what I have seen of this life? I feel like I never got a fair chance. Call me a whiny liberal, but it makes no sense to just say "life's not fair." If life isn't fair, maybe we are put here to make life a little more fair for our fellow man. I think it's a cop out to accept wrongs without trying to make them right. If I think of things I can do for others, the pain lessens a little, because there is hope. Yes, I wish someone would help me, but I'm not holding my breath. The only thing that I can do right now is distract myself. And go get some potato chips to munch on.....stress makes me hungry.

Conundrum

Getting sick of writing helpless, hopeless blog entries. I have to make some kind of a change. I guess I need to figure out what to do, and do it. But where do I begin? It's so easy to see solutions to other people's problems, but I'm not even sure what my problem is. Why am I so depressed? For one thing, I see myself becoming my mother- completely crippled by fear of other people. The only thing is, my fears always prove justified. I can't talk to anyone. For one thing, no one is remotely interested in anything I have to say. I listen to people ramble on all the time, but if I try to get in a word edgewise, I am accused of being self-centered and depressing. I'm considering just tuning out the world. I almost appreciate living in this tomb. At least I'm the only occupant......wait a sec. I've accomplished nothing. I'm just whining in another blog entry. That's running in circles. But, if I say how I feel here, no one is forced to put up with me......

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm a little bored but doing well. Just hanging out at my house, waiting til sunset to light the Hanukkah candles. Then, after that, I'm going to my parents' house for pizza and presents, and to my aunt's house tomorrow for dinner. Eating comfort foods at the moment (mac and cheese and chocolates) and just chillin.    Can't think of anything else to say......

Feeling Crabby....

Thought I'd share the latest crabs pics, of 2 recent molts. At top is Hanna, who is having a bit of a problem with one of her legs, but is really doing well despite it. The bottom one, next to the remote, is Eduoard. Although he's been a little listless since another crab, Camille, tried to take his shell, he's now in "iso" on the bed and seems much happier. It's not easy to molt this time of year, but the little guys are all doing fine, and it looks like a peaceful holiday season. Last Christmas, Dolly murdered Alex, but this year they seem less, well, crabby.....

RIP Shannan Gilbert

RIP Shannan Maria Gilbert, 23 October 1987-4 May 2010. I didn't personally know Shannan, but I am sickened at Suffolk County declaring her death "accidental," under the circumstances. She may have drowned, but all evidence says it was no accident. I feel she is being unfairly dismissed because of her profession and history, and no matter what the cops say, God knows the truth, and Shannan, wherever you are.....I believe you.

Mama told me there'd be days like this.....

Ugh. I have what appears to be flu-like symptoms, odd considering I got the damn flu shot. Oh, well. I have pretty much no immune system due to my illness, so I suppose I should consider the whole thing inevitable. Eh. I'm really not in that bad of a mood. I'm concerned, because I can't get in touch with an important person in my life, but I guess I need to understand, even if you make someone a priority in your life, you aren't necessarily a priority to them. So, I'm moving on with my day. The second night of Hanukkah starts in about an hour, so I'll just light my candles and pretend it's all ok....

Read My Finger

Sick of fucking defending myself constantly from the greedy cretins who want to cut off benefits to the disabled! I don't WANT to be on disability, and I'm not inventing a disability to get to scrimp by on next to nothing and have no life! Fuck you!!!!!!!

Care2 Disaster

I use the site Care2, and occasionally comment on news stories. I mentioned in a comment on Medicare that I am disabled, and was told by another site member to "commit suicide." I reported him to Care2, and have thus far been ignored. I read the man's profile, and he claims to be a doctor. He goes by "Randy M." If you use that site, beware of him. Also, I would like to say that no matter where one falls on the political spectrum, we all need to stand against this kind of behavior. I respect differences of opinion, but telling a mentally ill person to kill herself crosses all lines and boundaries.

No, I Didn't Cut The Fingers Off The Grinch!

My (very sad) homemade Hanukkah candles.....Carrie and I decided they looked like Grinch fingers.....

"I Don't Know, I Don't Care, and It Doesn't Really Make A Difference Anyway" -Jack Kerouac

This night has been such a fucking roller coaster. I was a little down, so I went tanning, which brought me up. Then, stupid me, I had a drink on the way home, and got really depressed. I just get so sick of it. Why am I always alone? I have friends, I guess, but it seems either they can't ever do anything (for reasons which I understand) or they just have no interest in seeing me. I get token texts and stuff, but if I want a conversation, I call my mom. And if I want to go anywhere, I go alone. And I don't think anyone in my life is going to change. So......this is it. I either live like this, or I don't. I really don't like interacting with other people very much to begin with. There are a select few people in my life I thought were there for me, and it turns out they aren't. I don't want to go out and meet new people. That's stupid. It would just be more of the same. I feel very stuck. So, I'm crawling back beneath my rock. Please don't expect me to reach out from underneath again.

Boycott Lowe's!

I read today that Lowe's had pulled it's ads from a reality show called "All-American Muslim," which is a-gasp-positive portrayal of American Muslims. I am furious, and do not plan on ever entering a Lowe's store again, unless they profusely apologize. I am sooooo tired of people making up shit about people who are "different" from them in some way, be it religion, sexuality, nationality, etc. Stereotyping and generalizing is wrong, and people only do it so they can feel superior. It's ignorance at it's purest. Should I then go around saying that all Christians are haters? No, because of people like my sister, Nic, who is a goodhearted, non-judgmental person of that faith. Should I say all Germans are inherently evil? No, look at those who worked against Hitler during World War II, and risked their lives to try and stop the suffering of millions. My point is, don't judge everyone by the actions of people who claim to speak for a group. That's like assuming George W. Bush speaks for all Americans, or that 19 hijackers speak for about a billion Muslims......in other words, it's ridiculous.  

Let It Ring

"Let it ring to Jesus, 'cause I'm sure he loves me too. And I get down on my knees, and I pray the same as you...." ~Amy Ray
I'm sick of the hypocrisy coming from so-called "Christians" like Rick Perry. They are the same as the Pharisees in the Christian scripture, and we all know how much Jesus approved of their behavior. Yeah, I'm of the Jewish persuasion, so perhaps I have no business talking about Jesus, but I think he was a great teacher, and I agree with a lot of his ideas. Still, I'd like to know when homosexuals became public enemy #1. Jesus has NOT ONE WORD to say on the topic himself. There's a bit of a letter by Saul of Tarsus that vaguely discusses it, but to be fair, I am told that passage refers to child abuse perpetrated by the Greeks of the time, not a modern gay relationship. If you read anything out of context, it can take on false meaning. People also need to realize, Jesus was not Establishment. He championed compassion towards the poor, not telling them to pull themselves up by some imaginary bootstraps. I'm all for working and earning what one gets, if one is able, but there is no way of getting blood from a turnip, as they say. Upward mobility barely exists in this country (and Time magazine is my source). Opportunity has ceased to knock, and there is massive suffering. Yet Rick Perry puts a video on YouTube bashing gays? What a great platform for a presidential candidate. Jesus once said something about getting the beam out of your own eye before you get the speck out of your brother's eye, and I must say, it's as timely now as it was 2000 years ago.

Buttons

My virtual button collection, lol

Birth Control

I cannot see why birth control is not covered for all Americans. Family planning is a human right. If you don't believe in birth control, don't use it. I am sick of others telling me what to do with my body. If I want to get a tubal ligation at 25, that's my own damn business. I shouldn't need a note from a psychiatrist saying I am of sound mind, or a note from a hepatologist  saying that my life would be endangered by a pregnancy. I am not a baby-making machine. I should be applauded for not having tons of children that society bears the burden of helping me raise, not villified for being "unnatural," or forced into owing thousands of dollars for the priceless right  to decide whether or not I will be a mother. Children can be a blessing, but they are the greatest responsibility there is. I am not mentally or physically able to take on the full-time job of raising children. I have a personal distaste for abortion, which is mentally and physically draining....so my natural choice would be to prevent pregnancy. Btw, my father, who once trained to be a deacon in the Roman Catholic Church, is a very vocal dissenter on the Vatican's position on birth control, of which I am immeasurably proud. Birth control is not just a women's issue- it is an issue that affects all of society.

Yawn!

Winter bites. It's 28 degrees out, obnoxious Christmas music dominates the airwaves, and, of course, no baseball. I am bored stiff, or maybe just frozen, I can't tell. Eating Peppermint Mocha ice cream (I concede, that is a good thing about winter)and messing with the computer. Going to take a shower soon. Perhaps I'll have a beer first. Oy vey, I'm boring myself!

Livin' La Vida Votto, or Why Everyone Avoids Me All Summer.....

Albert Pujols was traded to the Anaheim Angels! I'm a Reds fan, so this is like, the greatest news ever. I also happen to think the Cardinals are "whiners and complainers" (grazi, Brandon Phillips!), but anyway....glad to see a fine player like Pujols on a better team, and in the AL instead of the same division as my beloved Reds (lol). I wrote some lyrics last year to the tune of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin....so here is "Livin' La Vida Votto" for all you Reds fans:

"His name is Joey Votto
He plays some great baseball
I feel a premonition-
Those Reds are gonna win it all!
Most Valuable Player of the NL,2010
That dude is Joey Votto-when he plays, we're gonna win!
He plays first base and bats left, had 37 runs last year,
Born up in Ontario but we’re really glad he’s here,
everybody give a cheer! C’mon...
Watching in the stands, I’m livin’ la vida Votto!
Hit one for the fans, I’m livin la vida Votto!
Lookin’ at that face, I think he’s pretty hot-o,
The man at first base, is livin’ la vida Votto! He’s livin’ la vida Votto....
Went up to Cincinnati, to Great American Ballpark,
He stole my heart, and then stole third base,
Fireworks light up the dark.
He never talks about himself, it makes you wonder why,
How can he be that gorgeous, can I meet him if I try? Oh my!"
Lmao. Everyone who knows me dreads baseball season, because I get really into it. So does my grandma. One of my favorite memories of my grandma is when she was watching the Reds on TV a few years ago, and screamed at Bronson Arroyo to "get off that pitcher's mound and go back and play your guitar!" He was pitching really badly, lol. Anyway, we'll be livin' la vida Votto, all summer.....

Thin Mints?

Have an amusing Wednesday!

Rules I Learned Today

Rules of the day:
1. Let sleeping wives lie
2. Don't friend people on FB unless you know who they are. Vaguely familiar doesn't cut it.
3. When in doubt, LOG OFF!

Island Punch Pucker

At Carrie's tonight. Cannot friggin' sleep. Going to drink this blue stuff, have a smoke, then lie down. Something in my head just won't stop going. I think I'm starting menopause- I actually had a hot flash last night. I ended up sleeping until about 2:30 pm today, and now I'm all screwed up. I need to get on a schedule. I'm actually considering auditioning for community theatre, to have some structure in my life. But not tonight. Going to drink this and print this blog, then get on FB for a bit while I finish the drink. Then smoke and- hopefully- sleep. Wish me a goodnight- I'll need it!

As Is

Woke up at 2 am, and now I can't get back to sleep. Just going to mess around on the computer until whenever. I might even just stay up all day. I feel vaguely strange, but am ignoring it, mostly. Listening to Ani DiFranco...."As Is" is very much how I feel about Carrie. "And I've no illusions about you. Guess what? I never did. When I said I'd take it, I meant as is...." Well, nothing really exciting to write about. Aside from feeling vaguely strange, I'm also vaguely hungry. To the microwave, Batman!

Wait and See

Oy vey. Yesterday was a really great day, and today wasn't bad either. But now I'm having this odd bout of nausea, and trying to distract myself with a computer that isn't doing anything I tell it to. Oh, well. Fighting the nausea with food (sometimes it works) and just relaxing. Feeling very old tonight, for some reason. Perhaps I'm just tired. I'll probably go to bed around midnight. Maybe I'll go down and get a Coke, to help with my stomach.  The spaghetti is proving to be a bad idea...how does one get things to heat evenly in the microwave? Anyway, feeling a little like I'm in limbo....just waiting....

Happy Birthday!

Yes, I will be 31 at 7:01 pm today. It is true, I am old. Being old is nice, though. I don't worry about my looks all the time, except maybe keeping the grey out of my hair, lol. It's like, I've risen above all that shit. I'm coming into my own as a human being, so why would I care if I'm chunky or whatever? Carpe noctem! I don't have to play all the little games I played in my twenties anymore. It's not about getting admired because of my tits anymore, frankly. I'm old, married, and happy. It's not always easy, but it's better than being perpetually unfulfilled. Or perpetually humiliated and fucked over.....anyway, just stopping by on my blog. So far, it's been a wonderful birthday celebration, so let's keep it going!

Happy Birthday Week To Me.........

Ugh. A horrible week, and I just have to get another year older during it. My birthday is Tuesday, and I'm getting a pity visit from Mum. No one else gives a fuck. My best friends are either stuck somewhere, or don't care, and my significant other will only see me under optimal conditions, which aren't met this week. I was always really big on birthdays, but it seems they suck more and more every year. So I am alone and 31 (as of Tuesday). I should just get drunk. Of course, I've heard lately that I'm annoying when drunk, so I can't even do that anymore. Yes, I'm whiny. Life is a living hell, what do you want me to be?

Forgotten

Having what promises to go down in history as one of the most boring nights of my life. I feel so forgotten by the world. Munching on a bagel and feeling a little sorry for myself. Not too sorry, though- boredom is preferable to outright misery. Still, it just feels like everyone has forgotten I exist. So I'm having a couple of leftover beers from last night, and playing with my computer a bit. Life has become so predictable. Nothing exciting ever happens anymore. I think I was a lot happier when I was living downtown, in the midst of the corruption and squalor of the city. Out here, nothing ever changes, and nothing ever will. On that note, I need something else to stuff my fat face with. The bagel is gone.

This is.....

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Thanksgiving in Hamilton

Happy Thanksgiving to all! I am sitting here with a Corona, chilling, and thankful that I am not as dumb as my brother, who has already begun his Black Friday vigil outside WalMart. Yes, he may be the one with a future, but I am warm and snug with a beer, and that moron is in a parking lot, freezing. It's 40 degrees out, which isn't bad for late November in Ohio, but still isn't pleasant. I did walk to CVS about an hour ago, but it's a short walk, and was for the purpose of obtaining the Corona, which is a worthy quest, if you ask me. Lol. My friend Carly from kindergarten just posted that her liver is filing for divorce on grounds of organ abuse, Carrie says if you add ours, it could be a class action suit. Lmao, and I'll leave with that.....

Insomnia With An Attitude

I cannot sleep. This does not make me a bad person, nor does it mean I will not try harder to sleep in the future. It just means that I am awake at 4:17 am. I am not, contrary to popular belief, happy about still being awake. No, sleep is not my favorite activity, but I don't maniacally stay awake to inconvenience others. For that matter, I am not manic. I merely have my sleep schedule completely out of whack. I didn't wake up on Tuesday until 3:30 pm, which made everyone happy (at least temporarily). Which makes me wonder, why is everyone so unhappy about me being awake? Sigh. I am so sick of constantly defending myself on this issue. I'm not fond of sleeping, and never really have been. It's a personal preference. My father is the same. I'd rather be awake and amusing myself, than bored out of my mind lying in bed. But, it seems like if I don't at least make a token comment about how great sleep is, I am an unfit human being. But.......if I don't at least stare at the ceiling from now until 7 am, no one will like me. If only I'd grow some balls and be able to have a nice cheerful all-nighter!

The insanity before Thanksgiving.......

Headaches, sinuses, and nobody's quite home.......ah, the past two days have been pleasant around here. Oh, yeah, and dear readers- either you don't know how many times Tony Orlando knocked on the ceiling, or you simply don't exist as a readership. Thus I can write any insanity I want on here (assuming the latter, of course)."Jesus got run over by a reindeer, walking home from temple Christmas Eve, You can say there's no such thing as Jesus, and as for all us Jews here, we agree...." Ok, I'm being obnoxious. I feel vaguely drunken, but haven't been drinking or taking pills or any other popular Hamiltonian pursuits. Carrie just wants to correctly pronounce the Red nosed reindeer's name......and I'm regretting that half pint of Starbucks ice cream......

Peace, at last.....

It's been an exceedingly awful day, but it seems to be ending on a better note, especially if I go to sleep soon, as I'm planning. The holidays are coming soon....Thursday is Thanksgiving and then next Tuesday is my birthday. It's supposed to snow next week, which could be good or bad, depending......I took my Ativan early tonight, so I feel peaceful and serene. I've been sick and aggravated all day, and this is idyllic in comparison. Well,  sleep is coming (although I was only awake for maybe 6 hours today) and I'm not wanting to prolong awareness, even if it did get better.....

Elusive Sleep

Very, very tired, and probably going to bed soon. Bored out of my mind and a little lonely, as well, but it could be worse. The past few days have been lovely. I'm just a little worn out, and can't quite get to sleep. Drinking a beer- that might help. After I finish, I'll have a smoke and then lie down. It's almost 5 am, and my sleep schedule is getting really screwy, but it's not like I have anything to wake up for.....

Waffle House, Eurotrip, and Levon

At Carrie's house, at the moment. Just chilling before we go to lunch at Waffle House. I woke up with an inexplicable craving for Waffle House, and oddly enough, she's been craving it for the past three weeks. Then we are returning to casa sua to watch Eurotrip, which has got to be one of the funniest movies ever. A few Coronas, and it could be the perfect afternoon. I wonder if anyone reads this blog (my guess is no). Here's a test: if you are reading this, and can tell me how many times you must knock on Tony Orlando's ceiling, leave a comment. A prize will be awarded to the first response. Lol. And no, I'm not drunk yet, I swear.

To My Neighbor, George.....

You will be missed, man. Rest in Peace.

Mental Illness.

Discrimination against the mentally ill is actually the most prevalent bigotry today. I'm tired of being told I'm not a human being, because my mind doesn't work the same way as the majority of people's do. I'm tired of living in poverty, because I'm "disabled" and thus, garbage to most people. You think I'm lazy? Keep up with constant appointments while battling a deadly illness. Got a problem with my weight? Try the meds I'm on, and we'll see what you look like, after the side effects. I am constantly judged by even well-meaning people. Honey, you look depressed- get some sleep (in other words, fuck off and leave me alone). Or, my favorite.....if a bipolar person shows the slightest sign of happiness, they are manic, and should be medicated into a catatonic state. We're not even human beings under the law, or in a hospital setting. Hospital staff just assume that, even if we claim a physical problem, it is psychosomatic, and we belong in the mental ward. It's all tiresome, and most of us avoid medical settings. It all feels totally hopeless.........

November Sunday

Blogging at 3 am is never a good idea, but here goes.....just chilling at home tonight. Having a major salt craving all of a sudden. Ah, pretzels. I'm trying to play Sims on Facebook, but it's not working very well tonight. Oh, well. Moving on to YoVille. Damn, I'm bored. All of my friends seem to be sleeping. Maybe that's sort of a cosmic hint, that I need to do some chores, but I think I'll have a glass of tea first. OK, now, finish the tea, then mop the floor in the kitchen. Or should I have a smoke before I do the kitchen floor? Oy vey. I am procrastinating.....and this blog is even boring me.

Button

Someone has been to Hamilton lately....

TGIF, My Ass!

Dyeing my hair tonight. Not much else going on, though. Getting very sleepy, but I tend to wake up sometimes at odd hours.....or not. Life is pretty boring these days. Election Day is over, and nothing else seems to be coming along to make life interesting. It's all very tedious these days......not wanting to leave the apartment much. I don't think anyone really cares, and I've been wanting to avoid people, more and more. I'm not enjoying the human interaction I do force myself into, so why should I make myself more miserable? I'll probably go to bed after I wash the dye out. Tomorrow will be more of the same, and on through Sunday, and Monday. The monotony is killing me, but I backed myself into this corner.....and it beats human interaction. God, I wish people would leave me alone!

Matters of the Heart

Matters Of The Heart lyrics

I lose my head
From time to time
I make a fool of myself
In matters of the heart
We should have been holding each other
Instead we talked
I make a fool of myself
In matters of the heart
But I asked before
Your reply was kind and polite
One wants more
When one's denied
I make a fool of myself
In matters of the heart
I won't call it love
But it feels good to have passion in my life
If there's a battle
I hope my head always defers to my heart
In matters of the heart
I guess I'm crazy to think
I can give you what you don't want
I make a fool of myself
In matters of the heart
I've made myself sick
I can't think of anything else
I can't sleep at night
I make a fool of myself
In matters of the heart
I wish that I had the power
To make these feelings stop
I lose all self control
In matters of the heart
I can't believe
It's so hard to find someone
To give affection to
And from whom you can receive
I guess it's just the draw of the cards
In matters of the heart
You caught me off guard
Somehow you reached me
Where I thought I had nothing left inside
I've learned a lesson I've been edified
In matters of the heart
I've spent my nights
Where the sleeping dogs lie
Not by your side
It feels so lonely
Once again I've left too much to chance
In matters of the heart
Here I sit
I'm feeling sorry for myself
It's quite a sight
But I have you to thank
For reminding me
We're all alone in this world
And in matters of the heart
I'm already missing you
Although we won't say good-byes
Until tomorrow afternoon
Maybe when and if I see you again
We'll see eye to eye
In matters of the heart
I have no harsh words for you
I have no tears to cry
If the moon were full
I'd be howling inside
It only hurts
In matters of the heart
If today were my birthday
I'd be reborn
As Bronte's bird a bird that could fly
And all accounts would be settled
In matters of the heart
Matters of the heart

When you sense that you are losing everything, all you can do is sing. 

To Sunshine and the others

In memory of all of the women who were murdered in Rocky Mount, North Carolina since 2005. You are not forgotten. May we always remember that every life has meaning and value.

For Good Lyrics - Wicked @ eLyrics.net

For Good Lyrics - Wicked @ eLyrics.net

"Oh, what a circus, oh, what a show....."

I want life to be a musical. I want people to randomly burst into song, besides me. It would be fun. I think my life would be very Avenue Q (I often find myself singing the song, "It Sucks To Be Me"), with muppets representing the people around me. Anyway.....not really sure where I was going with that. Just chilling here at home until about 2:40 pm, when I'm going down to Democrat HQ and making calls against issue 2. I'm kind of tired, but I'll live. Marty might stop by or something afterward. Anyway, I'm going to get a soda and play Facebook games. Ciao!

I'm Feeling Wicked

"Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost! I'd rather buy defying gravity...." I saw Wicked yesterday at the Aronoff Center in Cincinnati. It was a really great performance, and Elphaba (Mamie Parris) was an incredible singer. The best song was "Defying Gravity." I found this video on YouTube, so enjoy!

Wednesday

Getting tired now, but I've had a nice day. I didn't really sleep last night, but I had a good time on Sims, on Facebook. I did that until about 11 am, then went to the bank. I picked up lunch on the way home, a gyro and cheese fries at Mike's. I talked to Carrie circa 1 pm, and she came over. We went to Fashion Bug, b/c I needed a pair of nice black slacks (I'm going to see Wicked at the Aronoff in Cincinnati tomorrow, or rather, today). I found a pair I liked that were 30% off, and a beautiful dress for 50% off. My mum and dad later bitched me out for buying a dress when I have a million others, but like I give a rat's ass. I can afford it, and it makes me happy. Anyway, after Fashion Bug, we went to Noonan's and then back my house. We hung out there for awhile, and then went to Meisterhaus (oh, shit, I have to mail the photos I took to my email). Then she took me home. It was really fun. Now I'm going to fool around on the computer until 1 am, then take a shower, clean up the apartment a bit, and try to be in bed around 3 am. I'll sleep until about 9 am, then my mum is picking me up around 10:30 am. I'm going back to their house to get dressed, and then we're leaving for Cincy circa noon. I have no idea when I'll be home, but I don't have any plans for Friday, except going down to the bank to pay rent. The entire weekend will be devoted to canvassing, so I suppose I'll have to cut back on my Facebook games a bit until Election Day. Well, it's almost one, so moving on.....

Buon Compleanno!

Happy birthday to my baby sister, Nicole! This is the two of us last year during Hanukkah.

Hanna

My patron hermit crab :)

All Hallow's Eve

Just chillin here at home tonight. Will probably go to bed at some point, but not ready yet. I think I'll have a smoke, read, and maybe clean up the kitchen a bit first. I don't really have much to say. I screwed around with the computer for most of the evening, until Marty paid me a visit. Then I came upstairs and got right back on the damn internet. Getting bored with it though. Moving on......

Sunday Mourning

Today has not been the best day, thus far. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Decided it was not a good idea to canvass, so I'm going to go in tomorrow, instead. I looked at my Facebook messages, and was stunned. My best friend, who I call my little sister, had some terrible news. Her father died suddenly last night. He was such a good guy, and really loved Nic unconditionally. So, my prayers go out to Nic and her siblings. I never met her father, but of course I'd heard about him a lot, and I'm so sorry to hear of his passing, at such an early age.
Right now I'm just drinking a Dr. Pepper and waiting on the washing machine. I need to clean my "attic" a bit, but am totally not in a cleaning place. Oh, hey, it's already time for the laundry to come out! Running downstairs........

Xanax Prayer

This one is for my girl, lol......

Waiting for November

In quite a depressed state, but not sure why. For one thing, I have no money until my check comes in for next month. Also, certain things in my life just don't seem to......fit. I feel like things aren't really working out in a lot of ways. I'm just too scared to move forward, when it could just be my perception. How does one live with mental illness? It's a delicate balance between wondering if you can trust how you feel, and convincing other people you're not "that crazy." I'm not drooling, I'm not an axe murderer, etc. Oh, yeah, and I'm not a "drama queen." Mental illness is the last safe refuge of bigotry. In being an overweight, bipolar woman, I have seen the worst in humanity. That, and doing political work. I swear, I was hung up on about 30 times tonight, phone banking. Anyway.....October is almost over, thankfully. Not a month I have fond memories of, this year....Hopefully, November will be a little bit better.

Appointments, politics, and other things that sound more interesting than they are

Ah, the week from hell is halfway over. Not that it's been that bad; I've just been outside of my apartment more than usual, and not for fun stuff. Just appointments and such. I barely remember seeing my general practitioner yesterday- I was half asleep. Today's psychiatrist appointment went fine, and from here on out, it should be smooth sailing. I'm making phone calls with the Dems tomorrow night, involving issue 2. We have to shoot down SB5, so if you live in Ohio, make sure you vote. Anyway, Friday is therapy day, and who knows what I'll get into this weekend......

Detours, Fences......

Just chilin' a casa mia. Nothing much going on, and I can't even think of anything to think about. Just texting with Carrie while she watches Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, which I've had completely memorized for over 20 years. I'm listening to Playlist of the Damned II, which right now is playing "Amber Waves" by Tori Amos. I went to the doctor and to CVS today....and slept from about noon until 4:30 pm. Thus, I'll probably be up late tonight. I see my psychiatrist at 2:30 pm tomorrow, but that's my only scheduled event all day. I'll get a flu shot on Thursday, after my arm heals from my phlebotomy ordeal today. Wow. My life is really dull.......but what is there I can do? Just going to have a loaded baked potato and relax.....

Anticipation

Bored out of my mind tonight. I tried to go to sleep several hours ago, but I was still wide awake after lying there for what seemed like eternity. So, I've declared myself awake, at least for the time being. Today was a pretty dull day, as well, but I understand that life seems to move forward in spurts. Right now is simply a resting point, and it's great for getting the house cleaned. After I finish up on the computer, I may even clean my bathroom or something. I have to be awake and ready by 9:45 am, though, because I have a doctor's appointment in the morning. This sucks, mostly because I am sleepless and very, very hungry. I can't eat anything, though, because I have orders not to, due to needing my blood tested. So, I'm drinking lots of ice water, because that, I think, is allowed. Anyway, moving on....except, what do I move on to? There really isn't much going on in my life these days. Just biding my time, I guess. Mostly because I have no idea what is coming next.......

You've Come A Long Way Baby.......

Yes, I know, smoking is bad for your health (as is everything else that is remotely pleasant and/or fun). I'm just sick of people who want to take everyone else's choices away, and yes, I smoke, and yes, I enjoy it. I don't think I'll wind up living long enough to have to deal with the consequences anyway. The side effects of things like Depo Provera can kill you, too.....but we treat Depo shots like medicine. Why pick and choose? Not in the mood to argue my points, though. Just wanted to share a few favorites (that IS former President Reagan in the first ad, btw). Viva fumare!

Occupying Hypocrisy

I am absolutely furious with "Occupy Cincinnati" for the offensive stunt they pulled yesterday. I'm talking about the "rape of the 99%." I am a liberal, and I mostly agree with the messages coming from the Occupiers.....but I cannot condone simulated rape in a public park in the name of democracy. It's tasteless, boorish, and obviously was done for the publicity a portrayal of a "sex" act would bring. You know what? Rape is not an act of sex, it's a violation of the human body and soul. Ask any rape victim. It's not something you cheapen for your own political ends. Selling out another's pain- isn't that what they accuse Wall Street of? Look within.....

Nothing more to say....

I'm completely exhausted today, but not really in a bad place. Just playing Facebook games and sipping a Coke. Going to have a smoke in a sec, then get back on the computer. I'm a little bored, but it's not too bad. Maybe understimulated is a better word. I don't know. The biggest problem at the moment? I really have nothing to say. Ciao....

Lazy Night

Just hanging out at home tonight....I've been away for most of the week. Thankfully, they switched our building from air to heat while I was gone, so I'm nice and cozy tonight. I have something to drink in the cupboard, but I think that would be overkill- I'm exhausted already. I might even down another Diet Mountain Dew, though they seem to be having no effect on me. I just feel very placid and lazy. I'd kind of like to just go to bed, but I'll probably curl up with a book, take a shower, and take my meds first. Then there will be less to do tomorrow, and thus, less stress. I'm about to begin a new book, so I suppose I'll get off the computer and start reading.......

Halloween for whom?????

This is one of our weird YoVille theme rooms. I created this in the "spirit" of the musical The Producers.....

Bitchy Blog Day

Starting to get sleepy, so this won't be a long one....just confirming I'm still here, I guess. To myself, if no one else. Waiting for things to change gets old, because usually, they don't. People say things like, "Only you can change your life," but that's bullshit. I made a list of goals for my therapist last week, and he said that none of them include other people. That's true, because you can't count on anyone in life, but I wisely kept my mouth shut. Therapy is so pointless, because if you're actually honest, they rip you to shreds. Of course, that's life in general, isn't it? No one really cares about anyone else. Hmmm.....when did I become a person who believes in nothing? Oh, yeah.....

Strange Days

What a strange day. At least, the day has a strange vibe to it. I woke up circa 3 pm, feeling lazy. Ate junk food and sat around the house, feling rather walrus-like, until I somehow got energetic, circa 5 pm. Then, I began plotting on how to get myself out of the house for awhile. I ended up aimlessly wandering around the dollar store for about half an hour, then heading to UDF for a cappuccino milkshake. As I left UDF,  the sky looked pretty damn threatening, so I hurried home. Now I'm stuck in the house, wishing I'd stopped at CVS, mostly because my sinuses have gone completely insane, and I have no Sudafed. Great. So now I am in negotiations with my father, to get him to bring me Sudafed on his way home from the casino. If not, I'll run over to CVS tomorrow, and get some cleaning supplies, as well. Maybe I'll even splurge on a Zynga gift card......but something feels so odd. Can't explain it, just feels strange. Oh, well. Back to the dollar store chocolates.....

My Best Friend

Marty, whom I spent today with :)

Enough Said!

Happy Sukkot!

It is never too late to turn over a new leaf!

Self-preservation

It's one of those days where I am so completely emotionally drained, that I'm finding I must only concentrate on the basics. I called my aunt to wish her a happy birthday, and I called my dad to let him know I'm alive. If Mum or Marty makes contact, I will get back with them, or Nicole. Other than that, the human race can fuck off. I don't get off on destroying other people, and I have no interest in being destroyed every time I get a shard of self respect. If you want to call it a new beginning, fine. I just call it self-preservation.

Night

It's safely Tuesday, now- not that it makes a difference. The world is coming down around me, and I am expected to be stoic.....no, I am expected to still be excited about life. Mind you, I never found life to be much to cheer about.....the accusations started early for me. I was just an unhappy brat, trying to spoil it all for everyone else. Now I am a bitter old hag, dour and nasty. I am bitter. My life was destroyed by a two word diagnosis- bipolar disorder. You never get over that. Just because a doctor somewhere, 16 years ago, used it, I am condemned to a life of hardship, ending in my suicide. There are a few "bipolar" people who can function. Fuck them. They make a mockery of what I live with. 

I couldn't do it tonight. I learned that when one commits suicide, they cannot say goodbyes. I am a human being. I have the ability to love. The pain I live with daily has reduced me to this.And when I'm dead, maybe there will be silence from people who got their amusement in life from tormenting me. At least, I won't have to listen anymore. 

Death of the Life I Once Led

I've lost everything. I can't quite explain that.....but trust me, at the very least, the past week has destroyed my life. All of the illusions I didn't even know I had are shattered. I very nearly committed suicide tonight. My older brother saved my life. He wouldn't let me go. Everyone else considers me an inevitable suicide, and has given up. One person, one alone, thought I was worth keeping on this earth.One person actually treated it as if it was a game, to drive me insane. She is the person who took it all from me, in the first place. I can understand indifference, I suppose, or retaliation. But outright cruelty, to kill another human being for sport? Never. May I never sink so low.

"It's so hard to love when love was your great disappointment..."

Not bothering certain people anymore. I need to learn, there are places I am not wanted and people who want nothing to do with me. I'll live my own damn life quietly in the attic. But don't ever wonder why I am so full of hatred. A lifetime of abuse made me this way. I may never get vengeance, but I'm not giving anyone else a chance to destroy me, either.

"Funny when you're dead, how people start listening..."

In life, there is no one but yourself. Learned this today. There is no such thing as connecting with another person. We are all alone. So, you either learn to live in silence, or you leave. Anything resembling hope is ridiculous. I'm not sure, honestly, what my next move is. It may be suicide, or it may be a few more years spent seething in the shadows, hating everyone around me. At any rate, I don't want to go near other people. I'm not answering my phone, texting, calling, anything. I don't care anymore if I'm rude. The bottom line is, no one was ever there when I needed them, so they can all fuck off. "Take an ativan and sleep," I'm told, every time I get depressed. Why don't I just take the whole fucking bottle? Then, not only would I sleep, I might finally get some rest.

New Photos

I took these photo tonight. I'm bored out of my mind.......

Mardi Grab-anzo! (Garbanzo Day Eve)

Yes, my friends, it's nearly that time of year- Garbonzo Friday. Today, Mardi Grasbonzo was declared.....a sort of Garbonzo Day Eve, if you will. The sun is setting, and I'm bored, and this was all I could think to write about. Can't wait to see tomorrow's comics, though.....

Miracle Goodnight

It's Wednesday evening, although I suspect in some parallel dimension, it is Tuesday, because I keep saying that it's Tuesday in all my communications. I'm watching the special features on Disc 2 of Moulin Rouge. I'm a bit depressed, but it's October, so I should expect it. The days are getting shorter, it seems, very quickly. Things will get better- the darkest hour is just before dawn. Hanukkah is my favorite holiday.....the candles, and just the belief that some things are worth it all. Not to mention the traditional Hanukkah miracle.....it seems every year, there is one. Last year, shortly before sunset on the first night, I was given basically a clean bill of health by my doctor.
So, I am downtrodden at the moment, but I have hope. In the meantime, I think I'll make nachos.

I Don't Like Mondays....

Not in a very good place tonight. I think I'm just going to go to bed, and hope I wake up in a less depressing world. I'm going mad. I can wake up feeling great, but I've only got so much to work with here! Everyone I talk to makes me want to jump off a bridge. I can't hold up the sky, people! I tend towards depression when left to my own devices- I don't need assistance. If things don't get better soon.....well, what am I going to do? All I can do is just smile and take it. God forbid I speak up.

"As Cool As I Am"

This is kind of tonight's song, in some weird way. I think the theme for tonight is disappointment, and this song is about moving beyond it, and starting over. It's been a very up-and-down weekend. Not sure how to feel at the moment. "Let down" is the first thing that comes to mind. So, I'm going to eat, then get some sleep. Maybe this week will be better, or at least, easier to process.

"Investigative Reporting Is Back!"

Saw this ad this afternoon, and cracked up. Since when does the Journal News have "investigative reporting"? I'm shocked when I read an entire article that is spelled correctly! And as for the content, it mostly is just pandering to the anti-Latino bigot crowd. I read it because it is inexpensive, easy to obtain, and because proofreading is fun. If I could get a real newspaper delivered for a reasonable price, I would. It's the journalistic equivalent of combining Fox News with "The Beverly Hillbillies," with all the literary merit of  a trashy porn magazine. Yet none of the intriguing photos, lol.
Well, it's been a quiet day, and now I'm on the phone with Nic, so ciao!

15 Years Later

There's an Indigo Girls song with the line, "Every five years or so I look back on my life, and I have a good laugh." Emily Saliers, who is half of the band, also once said, "You have to laugh at yourself- you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't." So I am thinking of the past 15 years in that light. Almost 15 years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It's been interesting.....at 16, I had no idea I'd end up here. On the plus side, I am, well, alive. I almost wasn't- I tried to kill myself in 2007, and wound up in the ICU. Sometimes I think of the dreams I once had for myself, and it makes me sick. But I can't live that way, thinking of who I might have become. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." -Jonathan Larson. I have to think of who I will become, or, more importantly, who I am. I can't regret any moment of my life, because without any particular thing, I wouldn't be who I am today. Every experience becomes a part of us. Do I wish I didn't have bipolar? Often, yes. But who would I be without it? I've learned so many valuable things from where I've been in life. I feel like I have my priorities straight, and that alone is worth it. I know that happiness has nothing to do with status, wealth, or any of the other things people run after. Happiness is about how you relate to others, and how you relate to yourself. You can say that this is obvious, that everyone knows that. It's true, but until you honestly internalize it, you're going in the wrong direction. Life isn't about being comfortable. It's when we go beyond our comfort zone that we learn and grow. It's not always pleasant to become a better human being. It's an awkward, difficult process. But what is the alternative? Stagnancy and death. My suicide attempt was actually an attempt to stop feeling pain. I was overwhelmed at the very idea of solving my problems. It would take too much effort, too much work.....too much discomfort. Sometimes we must hit bottom before we realise how low we've sunk. That shock can be exactly what we need to bounce back. And, proudly, I did. For now, at least :)

These Foolish Things.....

Awake still, but much less stressed than I was in the last entry. Everything will fall together, as I suspected. I seemed to have discovered the secret trick of the phone, plus my new one should arrive at my parents' house by Monday. As for the laundry, well, it's hanging on the shower rod. If I'm not asleep within the next 2 hours, I may go downstairs and put it through the dryer again. It's Wednesday.....I don't have anywhere I'm supposed to be until Friday at 3 pm (therapy). Nothing exciting planned for next week, either, but sometimes the best things in life are the unplanned ones. Soon it will be October, and autumn will be in full swing. Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then my birthday.....the cycle goes on, like every year. Right now, I'm just going to go through my computer routine, and maybe clean up the apartment a bit.....perhaps I'll even get a bit of sleep. I'll worry about the future when it gets here. Right now, Frank Sinatra is singing on my YouTube playlist, and it all seems idyllic....

L'Shana Tova!

Oh, what a night. The washing machine I happened to select in the building laundry room was broken (no sign, of course) and now my clothes are drenched and refusing to dry. My phone keeps randomly going dead, and I cannot communicate with the world, except via computer. It's gone out now, and is not coming back on, which is pretty damn frightening. So if you are looking for me, I am alive, just pissed off at my phone. My parents don't even check their email, as far as I know, so I expect, if the phone stays off long enough, to have them burst through the door like the frickin' SWAT team. I suppose I should email Carrie and Marty, to keep them abreast of the situation. Wait a sec...
In a flash of brilliance, I took the cover off of the phone, popped out the battery, then popped it back in to restart it. I also plugged it into the wall charger. Bingo! I was supposed to call Carrie a bit ago, but am first calling my father, to let him know that although I realise the new phone is supposed to be a Halloween present, I am in dire need of it, as soon as it arrives. Otherwise there may be a communications blackout, and we all know how those turn out.....
But, despite the distractions, I'm feeling blessed tonight. It's a new year (Rosh Hashannah) and anything can happen. It's a new beginning, 5772, and I'm excited to see what the next year will bring. A year ago, Carrie and I were just getting back together after a summer apart, but the past year's challenges make this year a little bit different. We know things we didn't know then, and the wisdom that comes with experience will hopefully serve us well. L'Shana Tova!

Melancholy Monday.......

Half asleep as I write this, and considering going to bed. Tomorrow is another day, and I'm sure a much better one. Maybe I'll even wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.....but at the moment, I just want to sleep. I'm not exactly depressed, but I might go there if I don't get some rest soon. Right now, just eating popcorn.....and texting profusely, which is usually stressful. Yes, I just need to put away the popcorn, turn on the iPod, and turn out the lights.....

Not My Day....

Very, very bored today. Wondering why I got out of bed at 10:30 am.....or at all. If there's nothing to do, why bother? Oh, great, I can spend another endless day playing Facebook games. Just went on Facebook, and some weirdo tagged me in a photo that was NOT me. It was some woman with a huge chest wearing a bra. That is so fucking creepy, to do that. Thinking of deleting my personal account on Facebook, or at least blocking that asshole. This is not the first time he has done shit like this....yes, blocking the bastard. Oy, what a day!

The Night That the Lights Went Out in Georgia

I've heard people saying this about tonight, and it's true. We have hung an innocent man, or at least one that wasn't proven guilty. Troy Davis died at 11:08 pm, and I'm far more affected by it than I thought I'd be. Sure, I signed a bunch of petitions, and posted my support for his cause on Facebook, but a human life has been lost, and it's, frankly, keeping me awake. It isn't fair. Elisa Baker murdered and dismembered her 10 year old disabled stepdaughter last year, and faces a maximum of 18 years in prison. Oh, but she's a white woman, and her victim wasn't a cop......just because life is inherently unfair doesn't mean we weren't put here to make it better. Why is Mark MacPhail's life worth more than Zahra Baker's? If the rule is, an eye for an eye, let's make all eyes of equal value. Also, Elisa Baker confessed (no doubt in hope of a good deal with authorities). Troy Davis maintained his innocence to the end, and the entire case against him is utterly unconvincing. Just ask noted humanitarians Jimmy Carter and the Pope, who count themselves among Davis' supporters.
I hope Troy Davis finds the peace and justice that eluded him in this life, and I hope the same for Zahra Baker, and all of those who found themselves at the centre of life's storms, through no fault of their own. And I hope Amnesty International, and all of the organizations and individuals who stood up for Troy Davis, continue their fight for a better world. We lost this battle, but there will be many more to win.

The Madwoman's Credo

"I Stand" by Idina Menzel
"I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway."

Btw, if anyone figures out what in the hell I'm doing up at this hour, or why everything is typing up highlighted, please feel free to let me know..... 

Time Travelling

Not much to say, tonight. I'm about to go to bed, actually- it's almost midnight. I'd pray for some excitement, but there's a saying about being careful what you wish for.....listening to the Carly Simon songs of childhood, and wondering if I'll ever make my peace with the past. Will I ever come to terms with the woman who raised me? Does anyone? I know the truth, even if I am constantly told I am lying. I was there. I think a part of me will always be in that hungry little wisp of a girl, wondering how thin she has to be before she's acceptable.....I never know what to do to get rewarded, because the rules keep changing. Standards are raised and lowered, and no one ever consulted me. My mother was the first, but by no means the last. I will never live up to what I am supposed to be to anyone. They say you can't please everyone, but I never please anyone, least of all myself......

Coming back now......and going to bed. 

Rainy Days and Mondays....

Blogging from Carrie's house today while she's at the doctor's office....not much to really say, as is usually true when everything seems to be going ok. We watched Rifftrax mostly yesterday, and on Saturday, I introduced Carrie to my best friend, Marty. So, it wasn't a bad weekend. It's raining and cool out today, though, and I have the feeling I'll be doing a lot of sleeping this week, out of lack of better ideas. Well, like I said, I can't think of much to say. Not in the mood to rant about my parents, because that's a depressing saga.....but, not ready to go there yet. I think I'll just play on Facebook, wait for Carrie, and listen to Jonathan Larson sing about his cats.

Amen to that!

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
  They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
  And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
  By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
  And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
  It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
  And don't have any kids yourself.

Having issues with my mum and dad lately, and thought of this....

Where's the Party?

Good morning, Hamilton! Yawns and shakes off the demons of the night. Not much going on here. Ate way too much at a local Chinese buffet yesterday, and then talked to Carrie until about 1:30 am. The computer was giving me issues yesterday, but seems to be mostly behaving today. I got up a little before 6 am today, and really haven't gotten much done since. I am dressed, and I'm already needing to cut back on my smokes, mostly because I can't think of anything else to do. Right now, I'm listening to music from The Producers and chilling. Soon, I vow, I will do the dishes that are collecting in the sink, and then probably waste time online until med time. Then I hope to get the living room cleaned. I don't plan on leaving the house, except for a few short errands around 1 pm. This is the life of the Madwoman. Wondering why I'm crazy yet?
I do have to come up with a quote-of-the-day for my whiteboard on the fridge, and a title for this blog.....the whiteboard will read, "Every woman adores a fascist." -Sylvia Plath. Like most of the jokes of the mad,no one sees the humor, save the initiated......

Warning: Really Dull Blog

Happy birthday to Joey Votto, who turns 28 today! I used to be such an obsessive Reds fan, but this year has been a bit......disappointing. Oh well, I guess every season can't be a winning one. What else is new.....my neighbor upstairs is a stupid bitch, but I've known that since she dripped gooey peanut butter all over my balcony last year. Today she was glaring at me from the parking lot while I smoked on my balcony. Why she hates me so badly, I will never know. There's more to the story than peanut butter and the evil eye, but I am so not in the mood to get into it. Not sure exactly what to do with my day today, but I have a feeling laundry is in the cards.....other than that, who knows? I guess I'll start by finishing up some research, and then turning on a movie.....

Theda Bara

Trying to look like Theda Bara.....got a long way to go, lol.

"It's so hard to love when love was your great disappointment..."

What a horrid day. If this rainy, grey weather continues, I shall go mad. I'm thinking about working on the computer until 3 pm, then taking my afternoon meds and going to bed. No one cares if I'm awake, and I can think of those who would rather I be asleep. I am tired of resenting people who think they are better than me, and longing for those who cannot be what I need them to be. I am alone. I always have been, and I always will be. I either accept it and get on with life,  or deny it and be forever disappointed. I've looked all my life for a reason to live, and haven't come up with anything. Spite is the best one at the moment. I'll live solely to irritate those who wish I would fade into the background and die. Once I thought it would all get better....I was awfully stupid, once.

Disappointed, Dull, and Drained.....

I am bored out of my mind tonight. I slept all day, until 5:30 pm, but I will probably go bed after I mess with the computer and take a shower. I'm getting tired of always being up when no one else is. There is nothing really to say, tonight.....all I did today was sleep, go to CVS, and get dinner at Wendy's. I texted briefly with Marty and Carrie, and emailed Nicole. I also talked to my mum and dad a bit. Still, I feel very alone, and oddly, drained. Just sitting here and listening to "Tattoo" by Jordin Sparks. Had a drink, so maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight. I just feel very stale. Maybe tomorrow will bring a fresh day........

"Never thought my day would come...."

My Wedding Ring

Sleepy and Bored

Bored tonight, and going to bed soon. Just listening to music, and thinking a bit. Mostly about people and places out of reach.....right now, "Light My Fire" by The Doors is playing. I wonder if time travel is really possible- I mean, traveling back to recapture emotions long dead. I don't know, and it's too late to find out, I think......

Illusions

Bored today. Waiting on Mum to take me to the bank and to therapy. Then we're going to go visit my grandmother. Not sure what to say really....everything is so uncertain these days. Life's axis changes from minute to minute, and the idealistic dreams I once had seem worn and tattered. Where do I go from here? I suppose I just plod along, doing nothing until I know what I'm doing. I'm not in heaven or hell, but a strange purgatory. I suppose I must be purged of my illusions before I can move on. Sometimes I think I was better off, not knowing any of this.....

"Peace!"

"What is hateful to yourself, do not do to your fellow man. That is the whole Torah; the rest is just commentary. Go and study it." (Talmud Shabbat 31a)
"The worshippers of the All-Merciful are they who tread gently upon the earth, and when the ignorant address them, they reply, “Peace!” (Quran25:63:)
These are my responses to the bigots of the world, especially on Care2. I love how they feel they have to personally insult me to make their point, or accuse me of lying because I have a difference perspective. I have one word for them: BAAAAAA!

No truer words spoken.

My uselesss, worthless babble

It's two am, at least, and I am wide awake but weary of the world. Why is it that beauty and love are so entwined? Like only people born a certain way are worthy. To be a beauty, and thus, a worthy human being, I would need extensive plastic surgery and to lose at least 80 lbs. I haven't gotten the money, and with my health problems, past and present, I'm not even sure I could lose all that weight. I can only do limited exercise, and from medications, bulimia, and old age, my metabolism is shot. Thus, my love life is doomed. I will always be alone, pretending to be fulfilled by friendships and reading and gardening, and all those other things pathetic old maids do. I will get desperate, and be horribly used and abused until I'm not even good for that.
I've never known love. My family is ashamed I exist. I am a worry and a bother. No one has ever been in love with me. I was always used for sex or money or whatever. Those things never last long. I have spent my youth as a disgraceful whore. I rarely went out with the same person twice. The one person I loved, couldn't get past the way I look. She looked ill every time she looked in my direction, as if she couldn't believe she linked herself to a monster. We see each other on rare occasions, but it can't last- she is slender and stunning, and I am embarrassed for her that we are connected in any way.  Sometimes I hate her, for being born perfect and not knowing suffering- but that's not her fault, no more than it is mine that I am hideous. I just wish I had died at birth, and never known the truth, that there is nothing worth living for. Our lives are spelled out from conception, and nothing we can do changes anything.

The Rest Is Just Commentary.......

Been talking to my friend Usman on care2. He's from Pakistan, and we're email friends. He is a Muslim, and often sends me things about Islam, and bias against Muslims in the West. I am vaguely Jewish, so it seems an odd friendship, but I believe that religious bigotry is a real problem in my country, and no matter who it's against, it's wrong. You know that quote about Nazi Germany? The one that goes, "They came for the Communists, and I wasn't a Communist, so I remained silent. They came for the Jews, and I wasn't a Jew, so I remained silent......" it keeps going, group by group, and ends, "....when they came for me, there was no one left to speak up." That's true. I speak up for the Muslims because prejudice is prejudice, no matter whom it's against. I know things aren't all hunky dory in Jewish-Islamic relations, but here in the US, at least, we need to work together to bring about a pluralistic society.
In other news, as human beings, we all need to stop trying to ruin other peoples' days, just because we are cranky for some reason. I have encountered two people who were obviously feeling bad today, and both have gone out of their way to be nasty to me. One was the cashier at the grocery store, the other was a family member. I yelled back at the former, but only after she yelled first. The latter is currently driving me insane, sending texts about how everything in my life is entirely inane. I am texting back pleasantries, though I will confess, I know pleasantries are as irritating to cranky people as her meanness is to me. I wish she would stop texting and go depress someone else.....but, no such luck thus far. I am going to go get some sushi out of the fridge, have dinner, and answer in one syllable words.

Scattered, Random, and Totally Mundane

Not much to say today.....I need ink to print things (like this blog) and can't get a hold of Rick to lend me $50 for ink. I can pay him back Thursday, no big deal, but we're down to the last 3 days of the month, and I'm rather broke. I need paper too, and, for some odd reason I'm not even going to begin to explain, rubber cement.
Just got back from CVS.....my brother called with some interesting news. His new Torts professor at law school is Charlie Korsmo, who was a child star in the early nineties. We've seen Dick Tracy so many times, we have it memorized, so this was amusing to me. Other than that, well, I got my objectives at CVS, so it's quite the day.

Arwen and Hanna, Insieme Sempre

Does this explain where I've been?

Long Time Gone

Got a lot to do. After my Book of the Dead is done, wanting to start my tarot card project. Then maybe my one woman show based on the life of Mae West.....I have to get this house cleaned, get myself into some sort of routine, read a bizillion books, ARCHIVE my ass offf......
Ah, that above was all written before therapy and lunch. Now I just want to go back to sleep. I feel very weak, physically, and you know the old adage; "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." My platelets have dropped to 49, and while I'm not giving up, I realise I haven't got a lot here to work with.....I used to believe in miracles, but now I'm not so certain. If everything is taken from you, how can you ever come back with the same strength? Because then you know, it can all just blow away again......

Feeling Wicked

Been in an Ativan haze he past couple of days. My life has been a miserable waste of time. Going to the doctor in a few minutes- maybe I am deathly ill, although everyone knows it's hardest to catch a break when you need one. "And I a smiling woman!" The old inane pastimes just get me nowhere, and I am irritated at the suggestion of them. My ex would rejoice to see it- she destroyed the bubbly, hopeful child, just as she set out to. Happy belated birthday, bitch. May someone drop a house on your fucking head. 

Beeautiful Sleeping

Walking a very unhealthy line.....I've decided to sleep away as much of my life as possible. This goes against my very nature- I was once a bright, happy person who couldn't get enough of life. I have been beaten into submission by life. Now I just want to know where the exits are. Sleep is a safe exit, with none of the permanence or stigma of suicide. I feel like the walking dead. The living have grown tired of me- hell, I've grown tired of me. As long as I'm asleep, I can't upset anyone. My parents will be thrilled by this, as will my so-called friends. Sure, I lose my entire life. But no one ever cared what I wanted, so why should they start now?

Thinking is Fatal.

Today is, frankly, dull. I know something exciting can't happen everyday, but at times I think there is no fate crueler than boredom. I don't want time to think. I've been thinking all summer. Thinking gets me nowhere but depressed. Just commiserating with Billie on the iPod, because "Billie's Blues" is all too familiar. I've been there, and I'm not going back. "Before I'll be your dog, I'll see you in your grave."
So, where do I go from here? Pride, that simple 5 letter word, is keeping from going backwards. I've been going in reverse so long, I don't even know what moving on is. Maybe I could start over, but what do I do? How do I get rid of the baggage that keeps me in one place? Hell, I love that baggage. How to I relegate the past to distant images in the back of my mind? The past may not be much, but it's all I've got. What future do I have? I'm sickly, there are no jobs to be had, and frankly, I dream of death constantly. Between depression and my organs, I wasn't meant to live long. Death would avail me of all these choices. Perhaps that's what would move me forward......see where I go when I think?

Manifesto of the Single Girl

Welcome to Hamilton, where the dating pool is a cess pool. Seriously. Why I even bother, is beyond me. I had a horrible night last night.....someone, I believe it was Woody Allen, said that being bisexual guarantees you a date on Saturday night. Bullshit. It just makes you hate both genders equally. I'm through with dating. Being alone is better than trying to stand an evening with anyone else. People are such disgusting, stupid creatures. Exhibit A: Some dumbass wanted me to live with him in Michigan after knowing him less than a week, then said I wasn't interested in him b/c I was a racist. Exhibit B: Smothering girl I met online who texted non stop, then got mad b/c I didn't want to meet her. Exhibit C: Guy that stood me up tonight. Exhibit D: Guy who let his creepy friend hang around all night, until I was so disturbed I walked 2 miles home in heels. All of these people are lunatics, and even bigger train wrecks than I am. Oh, yeah, there was also the girl who called me 23 times in the space of two hours........do you get my point? I'd like to meet a nice person, but I don't think it's possible. Thus, I give up. Single people are single for a reason- they aren't worth dating. Maybe it's true of me too, I don't know. My ex drilled it into me that I am worthless. Perhaps she was onto something? Also, I think people sense that I am damaged, like animals that can smell wounded prey. It just seems no one is satisfied until I am bled dry. Well, I reached that point tonight, so let me be!

People Are Strange.....

I will not call my ex, I will not call my ex, I will not call my ex.......some nights the dating scene is so bad, I want to run back to her. That's pretty damn bad, considering how I was treated by her, but some guys have even less respect for me, if that's even possible. I'm not certain which is worse, the drama and fighting or being treated like a disposable whore. It all gets old. I am thinking of giving up entirely, to tell the truth. Just stop dating, and sequester myself in the house. You can get used to monotony and loneliness, I suppose. Or I could just get blind drunk every time I start to feel anything. Hmmm, liking the last one. I am frightened of dating women- it seems they are all icy bitches who just want to put me down, or suffocating and pathetic. As for tonight, I am possibly embarking on the date from hell. I say "possibly" because I really doubt he'll show up at all. On our last date, he was 3 hours late, and the date itself was a nightmare. I have never been so mad or so uncomfortable. Right now, it is 9 pm, and he hasn't really confirmed he's coming yet. Fuck that. I'm out the door! I'm going to braid my hair and put on a bit of makeup. If he doesn't text by then, screw him, I'm going to the bar- ALONE!

The Bipolar Identity

Madwoman here, reporting for duty. Have been very busy these past few days, but it looks like things are going to settle down a bit.....maybe. You never know, really. I saw Nic today, and we had fun. We did some shopping and ate at Chipoltle. One thing I think people forget, in the treatment of the mentally ill....we are human beings, just like everyone. Nic and I are adults, not children, and it's getting old that our families look down on us as if we are deficient. With medical treatment, we have the same potential as anyone. If her family keeps holding her back, Nic is going to go totally insane once she gets out on her own. I had to learn moderation in all things, and I learned it the hard way, because I was treated like a little kid until I moved out on my own. My parents were very much my wardens when I lived at home, and they were never like that with my brother. I went a little crazy when I got out of their house, and I'm lucky to be here, considering things I've done in the past. I hate even mentioning I'm mentally ill, now. People automatically assume I'm a train wreck, and while I have my bad days, I'm ok. This blog is cathartic for me, because if I can write as a madwoman, I don't have to live as one. Anyway, to me, there is a difference between "madness" and bipolar. One is a state of mind, and the other is a chronic illness. I'm strange, yes, but it's mostly unrelated to being bipolar. The bipolar is largely treated. I do get depressed, still, but it's separate from my sense of who I am. It seems people want to pigeonhole me, and I won't accept it. I feel my family, in particular, has relegated me to "the attic" out of shame and fear. I used to believe that everything could be blamed on bipolar disorder, but now I am starting to take responsibility for my life. I just don't like being labeled like that, especially because so few people understand what it actually means to be bipolar. Yes, this blog is the work of a troubled soul, but there's more to me than just that.

Couldn't walk a straight line if I wanted to...

Getting a wee bit tipsy tonight....haven't got much to say. At least, not much that's coherent. "Be excellent to each other, and party on dudes!"