Feeling Wicked

Been in an Ativan haze he past couple of days. My life has been a miserable waste of time. Going to the doctor in a few minutes- maybe I am deathly ill, although everyone knows it's hardest to catch a break when you need one. "And I a smiling woman!" The old inane pastimes just get me nowhere, and I am irritated at the suggestion of them. My ex would rejoice to see it- she destroyed the bubbly, hopeful child, just as she set out to. Happy belated birthday, bitch. May someone drop a house on your fucking head. 

Beeautiful Sleeping

Walking a very unhealthy line.....I've decided to sleep away as much of my life as possible. This goes against my very nature- I was once a bright, happy person who couldn't get enough of life. I have been beaten into submission by life. Now I just want to know where the exits are. Sleep is a safe exit, with none of the permanence or stigma of suicide. I feel like the walking dead. The living have grown tired of me- hell, I've grown tired of me. As long as I'm asleep, I can't upset anyone. My parents will be thrilled by this, as will my so-called friends. Sure, I lose my entire life. But no one ever cared what I wanted, so why should they start now?

Thinking is Fatal.

Today is, frankly, dull. I know something exciting can't happen everyday, but at times I think there is no fate crueler than boredom. I don't want time to think. I've been thinking all summer. Thinking gets me nowhere but depressed. Just commiserating with Billie on the iPod, because "Billie's Blues" is all too familiar. I've been there, and I'm not going back. "Before I'll be your dog, I'll see you in your grave."
So, where do I go from here? Pride, that simple 5 letter word, is keeping from going backwards. I've been going in reverse so long, I don't even know what moving on is. Maybe I could start over, but what do I do? How do I get rid of the baggage that keeps me in one place? Hell, I love that baggage. How to I relegate the past to distant images in the back of my mind? The past may not be much, but it's all I've got. What future do I have? I'm sickly, there are no jobs to be had, and frankly, I dream of death constantly. Between depression and my organs, I wasn't meant to live long. Death would avail me of all these choices. Perhaps that's what would move me forward......see where I go when I think?

Manifesto of the Single Girl

Welcome to Hamilton, where the dating pool is a cess pool. Seriously. Why I even bother, is beyond me. I had a horrible night last night.....someone, I believe it was Woody Allen, said that being bisexual guarantees you a date on Saturday night. Bullshit. It just makes you hate both genders equally. I'm through with dating. Being alone is better than trying to stand an evening with anyone else. People are such disgusting, stupid creatures. Exhibit A: Some dumbass wanted me to live with him in Michigan after knowing him less than a week, then said I wasn't interested in him b/c I was a racist. Exhibit B: Smothering girl I met online who texted non stop, then got mad b/c I didn't want to meet her. Exhibit C: Guy that stood me up tonight. Exhibit D: Guy who let his creepy friend hang around all night, until I was so disturbed I walked 2 miles home in heels. All of these people are lunatics, and even bigger train wrecks than I am. Oh, yeah, there was also the girl who called me 23 times in the space of two hours........do you get my point? I'd like to meet a nice person, but I don't think it's possible. Thus, I give up. Single people are single for a reason- they aren't worth dating. Maybe it's true of me too, I don't know. My ex drilled it into me that I am worthless. Perhaps she was onto something? Also, I think people sense that I am damaged, like animals that can smell wounded prey. It just seems no one is satisfied until I am bled dry. Well, I reached that point tonight, so let me be!

People Are Strange.....

I will not call my ex, I will not call my ex, I will not call my ex.......some nights the dating scene is so bad, I want to run back to her. That's pretty damn bad, considering how I was treated by her, but some guys have even less respect for me, if that's even possible. I'm not certain which is worse, the drama and fighting or being treated like a disposable whore. It all gets old. I am thinking of giving up entirely, to tell the truth. Just stop dating, and sequester myself in the house. You can get used to monotony and loneliness, I suppose. Or I could just get blind drunk every time I start to feel anything. Hmmm, liking the last one. I am frightened of dating women- it seems they are all icy bitches who just want to put me down, or suffocating and pathetic. As for tonight, I am possibly embarking on the date from hell. I say "possibly" because I really doubt he'll show up at all. On our last date, he was 3 hours late, and the date itself was a nightmare. I have never been so mad or so uncomfortable. Right now, it is 9 pm, and he hasn't really confirmed he's coming yet. Fuck that. I'm out the door! I'm going to braid my hair and put on a bit of makeup. If he doesn't text by then, screw him, I'm going to the bar- ALONE!

The Bipolar Identity

Madwoman here, reporting for duty. Have been very busy these past few days, but it looks like things are going to settle down a bit.....maybe. You never know, really. I saw Nic today, and we had fun. We did some shopping and ate at Chipoltle. One thing I think people forget, in the treatment of the mentally ill....we are human beings, just like everyone. Nic and I are adults, not children, and it's getting old that our families look down on us as if we are deficient. With medical treatment, we have the same potential as anyone. If her family keeps holding her back, Nic is going to go totally insane once she gets out on her own. I had to learn moderation in all things, and I learned it the hard way, because I was treated like a little kid until I moved out on my own. My parents were very much my wardens when I lived at home, and they were never like that with my brother. I went a little crazy when I got out of their house, and I'm lucky to be here, considering things I've done in the past. I hate even mentioning I'm mentally ill, now. People automatically assume I'm a train wreck, and while I have my bad days, I'm ok. This blog is cathartic for me, because if I can write as a madwoman, I don't have to live as one. Anyway, to me, there is a difference between "madness" and bipolar. One is a state of mind, and the other is a chronic illness. I'm strange, yes, but it's mostly unrelated to being bipolar. The bipolar is largely treated. I do get depressed, still, but it's separate from my sense of who I am. It seems people want to pigeonhole me, and I won't accept it. I feel my family, in particular, has relegated me to "the attic" out of shame and fear. I used to believe that everything could be blamed on bipolar disorder, but now I am starting to take responsibility for my life. I just don't like being labeled like that, especially because so few people understand what it actually means to be bipolar. Yes, this blog is the work of a troubled soul, but there's more to me than just that.

Couldn't walk a straight line if I wanted to...

Getting a wee bit tipsy tonight....haven't got much to say. At least, not much that's coherent. "Be excellent to each other, and party on dudes!"