All Hallow's Eve

Just chillin here at home tonight. Will probably go to bed at some point, but not ready yet. I think I'll have a smoke, read, and maybe clean up the kitchen a bit first. I don't really have much to say. I screwed around with the computer for most of the evening, until Marty paid me a visit. Then I came upstairs and got right back on the damn internet. Getting bored with it though. Moving on......

Sunday Mourning

Today has not been the best day, thus far. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Decided it was not a good idea to canvass, so I'm going to go in tomorrow, instead. I looked at my Facebook messages, and was stunned. My best friend, who I call my little sister, had some terrible news. Her father died suddenly last night. He was such a good guy, and really loved Nic unconditionally. So, my prayers go out to Nic and her siblings. I never met her father, but of course I'd heard about him a lot, and I'm so sorry to hear of his passing, at such an early age.
Right now I'm just drinking a Dr. Pepper and waiting on the washing machine. I need to clean my "attic" a bit, but am totally not in a cleaning place. Oh, hey, it's already time for the laundry to come out! Running downstairs........

Xanax Prayer

This one is for my girl, lol......

Waiting for November

In quite a depressed state, but not sure why. For one thing, I have no money until my check comes in for next month. Also, certain things in my life just don't seem to......fit. I feel like things aren't really working out in a lot of ways. I'm just too scared to move forward, when it could just be my perception. How does one live with mental illness? It's a delicate balance between wondering if you can trust how you feel, and convincing other people you're not "that crazy." I'm not drooling, I'm not an axe murderer, etc. Oh, yeah, and I'm not a "drama queen." Mental illness is the last safe refuge of bigotry. In being an overweight, bipolar woman, I have seen the worst in humanity. That, and doing political work. I swear, I was hung up on about 30 times tonight, phone banking. Anyway.....October is almost over, thankfully. Not a month I have fond memories of, this year....Hopefully, November will be a little bit better.

Appointments, politics, and other things that sound more interesting than they are

Ah, the week from hell is halfway over. Not that it's been that bad; I've just been outside of my apartment more than usual, and not for fun stuff. Just appointments and such. I barely remember seeing my general practitioner yesterday- I was half asleep. Today's psychiatrist appointment went fine, and from here on out, it should be smooth sailing. I'm making phone calls with the Dems tomorrow night, involving issue 2. We have to shoot down SB5, so if you live in Ohio, make sure you vote. Anyway, Friday is therapy day, and who knows what I'll get into this weekend......

Detours, Fences......

Just chilin' a casa mia. Nothing much going on, and I can't even think of anything to think about. Just texting with Carrie while she watches Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, which I've had completely memorized for over 20 years. I'm listening to Playlist of the Damned II, which right now is playing "Amber Waves" by Tori Amos. I went to the doctor and to CVS today....and slept from about noon until 4:30 pm. Thus, I'll probably be up late tonight. I see my psychiatrist at 2:30 pm tomorrow, but that's my only scheduled event all day. I'll get a flu shot on Thursday, after my arm heals from my phlebotomy ordeal today. Wow. My life is really dull.......but what is there I can do? Just going to have a loaded baked potato and relax.....

Anticipation

Bored out of my mind tonight. I tried to go to sleep several hours ago, but I was still wide awake after lying there for what seemed like eternity. So, I've declared myself awake, at least for the time being. Today was a pretty dull day, as well, but I understand that life seems to move forward in spurts. Right now is simply a resting point, and it's great for getting the house cleaned. After I finish up on the computer, I may even clean my bathroom or something. I have to be awake and ready by 9:45 am, though, because I have a doctor's appointment in the morning. This sucks, mostly because I am sleepless and very, very hungry. I can't eat anything, though, because I have orders not to, due to needing my blood tested. So, I'm drinking lots of ice water, because that, I think, is allowed. Anyway, moving on....except, what do I move on to? There really isn't much going on in my life these days. Just biding my time, I guess. Mostly because I have no idea what is coming next.......

You've Come A Long Way Baby.......

Yes, I know, smoking is bad for your health (as is everything else that is remotely pleasant and/or fun). I'm just sick of people who want to take everyone else's choices away, and yes, I smoke, and yes, I enjoy it. I don't think I'll wind up living long enough to have to deal with the consequences anyway. The side effects of things like Depo Provera can kill you, too.....but we treat Depo shots like medicine. Why pick and choose? Not in the mood to argue my points, though. Just wanted to share a few favorites (that IS former President Reagan in the first ad, btw). Viva fumare!

Occupying Hypocrisy

I am absolutely furious with "Occupy Cincinnati" for the offensive stunt they pulled yesterday. I'm talking about the "rape of the 99%." I am a liberal, and I mostly agree with the messages coming from the Occupiers.....but I cannot condone simulated rape in a public park in the name of democracy. It's tasteless, boorish, and obviously was done for the publicity a portrayal of a "sex" act would bring. You know what? Rape is not an act of sex, it's a violation of the human body and soul. Ask any rape victim. It's not something you cheapen for your own political ends. Selling out another's pain- isn't that what they accuse Wall Street of? Look within.....

Nothing more to say....

I'm completely exhausted today, but not really in a bad place. Just playing Facebook games and sipping a Coke. Going to have a smoke in a sec, then get back on the computer. I'm a little bored, but it's not too bad. Maybe understimulated is a better word. I don't know. The biggest problem at the moment? I really have nothing to say. Ciao....

Lazy Night

Just hanging out at home tonight....I've been away for most of the week. Thankfully, they switched our building from air to heat while I was gone, so I'm nice and cozy tonight. I have something to drink in the cupboard, but I think that would be overkill- I'm exhausted already. I might even down another Diet Mountain Dew, though they seem to be having no effect on me. I just feel very placid and lazy. I'd kind of like to just go to bed, but I'll probably curl up with a book, take a shower, and take my meds first. Then there will be less to do tomorrow, and thus, less stress. I'm about to begin a new book, so I suppose I'll get off the computer and start reading.......

Halloween for whom?????

This is one of our weird YoVille theme rooms. I created this in the "spirit" of the musical The Producers.....

Bitchy Blog Day

Starting to get sleepy, so this won't be a long one....just confirming I'm still here, I guess. To myself, if no one else. Waiting for things to change gets old, because usually, they don't. People say things like, "Only you can change your life," but that's bullshit. I made a list of goals for my therapist last week, and he said that none of them include other people. That's true, because you can't count on anyone in life, but I wisely kept my mouth shut. Therapy is so pointless, because if you're actually honest, they rip you to shreds. Of course, that's life in general, isn't it? No one really cares about anyone else. Hmmm.....when did I become a person who believes in nothing? Oh, yeah.....

Strange Days

What a strange day. At least, the day has a strange vibe to it. I woke up circa 3 pm, feeling lazy. Ate junk food and sat around the house, feling rather walrus-like, until I somehow got energetic, circa 5 pm. Then, I began plotting on how to get myself out of the house for awhile. I ended up aimlessly wandering around the dollar store for about half an hour, then heading to UDF for a cappuccino milkshake. As I left UDF,  the sky looked pretty damn threatening, so I hurried home. Now I'm stuck in the house, wishing I'd stopped at CVS, mostly because my sinuses have gone completely insane, and I have no Sudafed. Great. So now I am in negotiations with my father, to get him to bring me Sudafed on his way home from the casino. If not, I'll run over to CVS tomorrow, and get some cleaning supplies, as well. Maybe I'll even splurge on a Zynga gift card......but something feels so odd. Can't explain it, just feels strange. Oh, well. Back to the dollar store chocolates.....

My Best Friend

Marty, whom I spent today with :)

Enough Said!

Happy Sukkot!

It is never too late to turn over a new leaf!

Self-preservation

It's one of those days where I am so completely emotionally drained, that I'm finding I must only concentrate on the basics. I called my aunt to wish her a happy birthday, and I called my dad to let him know I'm alive. If Mum or Marty makes contact, I will get back with them, or Nicole. Other than that, the human race can fuck off. I don't get off on destroying other people, and I have no interest in being destroyed every time I get a shard of self respect. If you want to call it a new beginning, fine. I just call it self-preservation.

Night

It's safely Tuesday, now- not that it makes a difference. The world is coming down around me, and I am expected to be stoic.....no, I am expected to still be excited about life. Mind you, I never found life to be much to cheer about.....the accusations started early for me. I was just an unhappy brat, trying to spoil it all for everyone else. Now I am a bitter old hag, dour and nasty. I am bitter. My life was destroyed by a two word diagnosis- bipolar disorder. You never get over that. Just because a doctor somewhere, 16 years ago, used it, I am condemned to a life of hardship, ending in my suicide. There are a few "bipolar" people who can function. Fuck them. They make a mockery of what I live with. 

I couldn't do it tonight. I learned that when one commits suicide, they cannot say goodbyes. I am a human being. I have the ability to love. The pain I live with daily has reduced me to this.And when I'm dead, maybe there will be silence from people who got their amusement in life from tormenting me. At least, I won't have to listen anymore. 

Death of the Life I Once Led

I've lost everything. I can't quite explain that.....but trust me, at the very least, the past week has destroyed my life. All of the illusions I didn't even know I had are shattered. I very nearly committed suicide tonight. My older brother saved my life. He wouldn't let me go. Everyone else considers me an inevitable suicide, and has given up. One person, one alone, thought I was worth keeping on this earth.One person actually treated it as if it was a game, to drive me insane. She is the person who took it all from me, in the first place. I can understand indifference, I suppose, or retaliation. But outright cruelty, to kill another human being for sport? Never. May I never sink so low.

"It's so hard to love when love was your great disappointment..."

Not bothering certain people anymore. I need to learn, there are places I am not wanted and people who want nothing to do with me. I'll live my own damn life quietly in the attic. But don't ever wonder why I am so full of hatred. A lifetime of abuse made me this way. I may never get vengeance, but I'm not giving anyone else a chance to destroy me, either.

"Funny when you're dead, how people start listening..."

In life, there is no one but yourself. Learned this today. There is no such thing as connecting with another person. We are all alone. So, you either learn to live in silence, or you leave. Anything resembling hope is ridiculous. I'm not sure, honestly, what my next move is. It may be suicide, or it may be a few more years spent seething in the shadows, hating everyone around me. At any rate, I don't want to go near other people. I'm not answering my phone, texting, calling, anything. I don't care anymore if I'm rude. The bottom line is, no one was ever there when I needed them, so they can all fuck off. "Take an ativan and sleep," I'm told, every time I get depressed. Why don't I just take the whole fucking bottle? Then, not only would I sleep, I might finally get some rest.

New Photos

I took these photo tonight. I'm bored out of my mind.......

Mardi Grab-anzo! (Garbanzo Day Eve)

Yes, my friends, it's nearly that time of year- Garbonzo Friday. Today, Mardi Grasbonzo was declared.....a sort of Garbonzo Day Eve, if you will. The sun is setting, and I'm bored, and this was all I could think to write about. Can't wait to see tomorrow's comics, though.....

Miracle Goodnight

It's Wednesday evening, although I suspect in some parallel dimension, it is Tuesday, because I keep saying that it's Tuesday in all my communications. I'm watching the special features on Disc 2 of Moulin Rouge. I'm a bit depressed, but it's October, so I should expect it. The days are getting shorter, it seems, very quickly. Things will get better- the darkest hour is just before dawn. Hanukkah is my favorite holiday.....the candles, and just the belief that some things are worth it all. Not to mention the traditional Hanukkah miracle.....it seems every year, there is one. Last year, shortly before sunset on the first night, I was given basically a clean bill of health by my doctor.
So, I am downtrodden at the moment, but I have hope. In the meantime, I think I'll make nachos.

I Don't Like Mondays....

Not in a very good place tonight. I think I'm just going to go to bed, and hope I wake up in a less depressing world. I'm going mad. I can wake up feeling great, but I've only got so much to work with here! Everyone I talk to makes me want to jump off a bridge. I can't hold up the sky, people! I tend towards depression when left to my own devices- I don't need assistance. If things don't get better soon.....well, what am I going to do? All I can do is just smile and take it. God forbid I speak up.

"As Cool As I Am"

This is kind of tonight's song, in some weird way. I think the theme for tonight is disappointment, and this song is about moving beyond it, and starting over. It's been a very up-and-down weekend. Not sure how to feel at the moment. "Let down" is the first thing that comes to mind. So, I'm going to eat, then get some sleep. Maybe this week will be better, or at least, easier to process.

"Investigative Reporting Is Back!"

Saw this ad this afternoon, and cracked up. Since when does the Journal News have "investigative reporting"? I'm shocked when I read an entire article that is spelled correctly! And as for the content, it mostly is just pandering to the anti-Latino bigot crowd. I read it because it is inexpensive, easy to obtain, and because proofreading is fun. If I could get a real newspaper delivered for a reasonable price, I would. It's the journalistic equivalent of combining Fox News with "The Beverly Hillbillies," with all the literary merit of  a trashy porn magazine. Yet none of the intriguing photos, lol.
Well, it's been a quiet day, and now I'm on the phone with Nic, so ciao!