Poems from the Chaos

across dimensions
like the ones on the
tiny paper scraps
that guide my hands-
i know where to go-
only
you wanted me
from the start.
i danced without the benefit
of the seven veils,
just one-
it snowed that month
and seemed a paradigm.
so many childhoods later,
including mine,
we enter the fire willingly,
burning away 60 odd years
of loneliness,
smoking in the rain,
playing lovers' games and tori amos on the ipod
(i remember
you were frightened by my ringtone
the night we met).
i've lived for you,
you've died for me.
every touch is a gift of light,
eternity a matter
of course.
when you alter your soul for another,
you have found true love.
i am ready.


A.
The past is a dangerous place.
It is a minefield,
strewn with the bodies of those
who have gone before.
The survivors tiptoe through,
numbed by the opiates
of "the good old days."
It is a place of deception,
for time is pervaricating,
even as I speak.

B.
Fluid tongues long since forgotten,
the regret of a thousand years
crammed into three scant decades.
Battles fought by tin soldiers,
brave boys become casual casualties,
and it's all bound up
and shipped in cardboard boxes.
Suffering women
from Lilith to Marilyn
discover it was all for nothing-
life goes on, whether or not
we are defeated.

To God

I can't live like this. It's utter degradation. I know what I am, and it makes me sick. Don't want to wake up. Please, please, don't make me wake up.

here. in my head

Random lyrics running through my head.....

"The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all...."

"Well I guess that I was lonely,
that's why I called you on the phone.
'Cause in a moment of forgiveness,
I didn't want to be alone..."

"I've overcome the blow
I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words
Could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real
But that's not the way it feels..."

"If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep...."

Ok, maybe not so random. But sometimes, it's easier to sing than to speak......

"So you're scared and you're thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore..."

Ah, a nice lazy Saturday. Just sitting here at the computer, listening to Billie Holiday. It's very relaxing. Went to see my friend Viki yesterday, and ran a few errands on the way home. Tried out a new bar, but it was one of those places where everyone knew everyone else already, and I felt like an outsider. The music was interesting, though- mostly standards, which I love. I played a Tony Bennett song on the jukebox before I went along my merry way, which included a stop at Noonan's for cloves and something to drink. And incense- Wild Berry is the best incense. Had a few drinks at home and felt melancholy, so a friend of mine stopped by for a bit to cheer me up. I went to bed sometime before 4 am, and was rewarded for my intemperance with a morning headache. It wore off pretty quickly, though. Went to CVS for the things I forgot to get when I was there yesterday, and then came home. My aunt send me a really sweet card and a cute photo of her little granddaughter. So it's been a pretty decent couple of days. I think it's days like these that get you through life. I used to think the days of ecstatic perfection were what I lived for, but I think those days are over, for me. Stability and contentment are much more important. One can never sustain ecstasy, and the lows that follow are unbearable. I am an old woman, in many ways. I used to be a person of extremes- all or nothing was how I lived my life. Now I am striving to be more even-tempered. I love the person I was, and I mourn her passing, but I cannot live in her shadow. Moving on is the hardest thing, for me. Growing older isn't easy, either- to watch the world you once loved disappear, to be replaced by an unfamiliar landscape. "Can't you be optimistic? You're no longer the ingenue..." Pagans say there are 3 stages of woman- maiden, mother, crone. As I've never had children, I skipped from maiden to crone at 30. It's not been an easy transition, to be honest. Our society's views on aging are, if you ask me, destructive and unhealthy. And yes, I dye my hair (it was getting grey last I checked, so I stopped checking). Anyway, I agree life is different when you get old, but that doesn't mean you stop living. And don't give me some crap about how 30 is the new 20. If you're poor and can't afford botox, 30 is 30. I guess I'm more concerned about who I am than what I look like....... 

Angel De Mi Guarda

Today is kind of an odd day for me. Four years ago, a young man lost his battle with depression in a nearby town. It's, sadly, not an uncommon occurrence in our world. I am, myself, a survivor of a suicide attempt. I have dealt with mental illness my entire life, and when I read about him, it was like reading about myself. I'd never met him, but somehow, his story, his life, touched me. It's like, I have to live, in honor of those who didn't make it through. The boy became a sort of guardian angel to me, and I know he's the reason I am still here. I have found myself contemplating suicide at times, but I cannot go through with it, because in a weird way, he won't let me. He was reborn as an angel so that others would understand what they have here on earth is precious. You can take this literally, or symbolically, I don't care. But today I am celebrating life, both mine and his. Happy "bitrthday," angel. 

Madwoman Waxes Philosophical

Well, I think (hope) I've gotten through the depression. Either that, or I've had too much damn coffee :) I watched the first half of Rent with my mum, which sounds like a recipe for disaster- except it wasn't. She loved it. We've come a long way since my teens, and I think we've gotten to the point where she recognizes I am an independent human being.....she just doesn't want to know about it. Although it was archaic and insulting as a law relating to the US military, "Don't ask, don't tell" really does work in my relationship with my parents. I have no desire to marry or have children, so why do my parents need to be involved in my personal life? In a way, the rule gives me more freedom- they are too busy straining to look the other way to possibly figure out what I'm doing, and judge me. Besides, since I split with my ex, my love life has been pretty non-existent. I've been out on a few dates, but nothing has swept me away. I guess that's what I'm longing for- to be swept up into something greater than myself and the other person. Four years ago, my whole life has been in black and white, and then, in September 07, it was suddenly technicolor. That magic is rare, and perhaps I won't be able to find it ever again. Maybe a really good film noir is all I can hope for. I guess the important thing is, I can say I've lived. Living involves changing, and I'm not crazy about the person I've become, sometimes. And yes, I admit, I outright despise the person she became. It took me a long time to realise, those magical times we had together were never coming back. There are days I know I'd go back, on the off chance we could go back to the beautiful days. Deep inside, though, I know it's all over. Maybe there's a place, somewhere, where those days are frozen in time, and someday I can go back in time and live there.....but I doubt it. The world moves on, and so must I. There is a future. It will never be exactly the same, but I cannot go backwards. Maybe I will even be able to say I'm happy, someday, when the sharpness of the memories fades. Those things that were ours will become simply things again. Nothing is forever, good or bad. The pain will leave me, just as the happiness did.......these days, I just pray for the numbness, the absence of torture. It's funny, there are plenty of things we do to alleviate physical pain, but anguish of the mind is dismissed. You can take medicine, of course, but trust me, it's a waste of time. Our bodies are kinder than our minds, as well. You can pass out from physical agony, but you are forever stuck in your own mind. Just when you think you can't take any more.....you haven't got a choice. I don't believe suicide is the answer, simply because I don't believe death is the end. Not that I give any credence to hell, I just don't think we stop existing just because our body dies. I don't believe in heaven or hell much, because I think the world is completely random and thus does not punish the wicked or reward the good. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to life, so why should there be either in death? If life were good or just, I would not be in my situation. Same with a lot of people. I have struggled from birth, and have seen no benefit. My brother has breezed through life, and will start law school this month. He'll have a brilliant career, lots of money, probably a family. Why does he deserve these things, and I don't? What was my sin? This is why I am having problems believing in God. If there were a God, there would be some sense of justice in the world, wouldn't you think? I can't just trust. Every time I trust anyone, or anything, it turns out to be an illusion. I can only take so many rugs being pulled out from under me before I conclude, it's not worth it.

Insane Rant

I just want to say a big FUCK YOU to everyone I've ever come into contact with. This goes mainly for mental health professionals. The racist bitch at Fort Hamilton who made snarky comments about Italians, the therapist who called me a whore, the bastard who prescribed Depakote in the first place, upping the dose maniacally until there was a toxic amount in my system.......I told him it wasn't working, and with his doctor-knows best mentality, he didn't care. I was hallucinating before they got me off that one. Yes, all of you can go fuck yourselves. As for my family and friends, all they want to do is change to a "happy" topic, to magically get my mind off things. No one cares what I do, as long as I don't bother their dull and empty lives. Well, these tactics, brilliant though they are (rolls eyes), aren't working. If I could get some balls and get on with it, that would solve everything. They say suicide is a selfish act, but I think it is a selfless one. I'll leave all of you alone, when I'm dead. Isn't that what you wanted?