Into The Night

"They say that alcoholics are always alcoholics, even when they're dry as my lips for years, even when they're stranded on a small desert island with no place in 2000 miles to buy beer. And I wonder is he different, is he different, has he changed what he's about?Or is he just a liar with nothing to lie about?" -"Fuel," Ani DiFranco

I wonder if people can break patterns they've always displayed....shit, I wonder if I can. I'm not even sure who I am anymore....I feel so vague tonight. Nothing ever seems set in stone. I'm listening to the Indigo Girls now, remembering a girl who once existed, a me who dreamed of something more than survival. "We were girls in bars, boys on the town, bumping like a pinball off a careless crowd...." I mourn that girl I was, wonder why she died and I am still here. I am a jaded, older caricature of myself at 15. It was over half a lifetime ago, but tonight we run parallel. I can see her; I wonder if she sees me, or would even recognize me. I feel so used up, and I ceased dreaming years ago. I'm overstimulated tonight, and I feel like screaming. But, it never helped her....she screamed for help until the end. Now I just shut up and shuffle along. It's easier to go quietly into the night.....