Madwoman Waxes Philosophical

Well, I think (hope) I've gotten through the depression. Either that, or I've had too much damn coffee :) I watched the first half of Rent with my mum, which sounds like a recipe for disaster- except it wasn't. She loved it. We've come a long way since my teens, and I think we've gotten to the point where she recognizes I am an independent human being.....she just doesn't want to know about it. Although it was archaic and insulting as a law relating to the US military, "Don't ask, don't tell" really does work in my relationship with my parents. I have no desire to marry or have children, so why do my parents need to be involved in my personal life? In a way, the rule gives me more freedom- they are too busy straining to look the other way to possibly figure out what I'm doing, and judge me. Besides, since I split with my ex, my love life has been pretty non-existent. I've been out on a few dates, but nothing has swept me away. I guess that's what I'm longing for- to be swept up into something greater than myself and the other person. Four years ago, my whole life has been in black and white, and then, in September 07, it was suddenly technicolor. That magic is rare, and perhaps I won't be able to find it ever again. Maybe a really good film noir is all I can hope for. I guess the important thing is, I can say I've lived. Living involves changing, and I'm not crazy about the person I've become, sometimes. And yes, I admit, I outright despise the person she became. It took me a long time to realise, those magical times we had together were never coming back. There are days I know I'd go back, on the off chance we could go back to the beautiful days. Deep inside, though, I know it's all over. Maybe there's a place, somewhere, where those days are frozen in time, and someday I can go back in time and live there.....but I doubt it. The world moves on, and so must I. There is a future. It will never be exactly the same, but I cannot go backwards. Maybe I will even be able to say I'm happy, someday, when the sharpness of the memories fades. Those things that were ours will become simply things again. Nothing is forever, good or bad. The pain will leave me, just as the happiness did.......these days, I just pray for the numbness, the absence of torture. It's funny, there are plenty of things we do to alleviate physical pain, but anguish of the mind is dismissed. You can take medicine, of course, but trust me, it's a waste of time. Our bodies are kinder than our minds, as well. You can pass out from physical agony, but you are forever stuck in your own mind. Just when you think you can't take any more.....you haven't got a choice. I don't believe suicide is the answer, simply because I don't believe death is the end. Not that I give any credence to hell, I just don't think we stop existing just because our body dies. I don't believe in heaven or hell much, because I think the world is completely random and thus does not punish the wicked or reward the good. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to life, so why should there be either in death? If life were good or just, I would not be in my situation. Same with a lot of people. I have struggled from birth, and have seen no benefit. My brother has breezed through life, and will start law school this month. He'll have a brilliant career, lots of money, probably a family. Why does he deserve these things, and I don't? What was my sin? This is why I am having problems believing in God. If there were a God, there would be some sense of justice in the world, wouldn't you think? I can't just trust. Every time I trust anyone, or anything, it turns out to be an illusion. I can only take so many rugs being pulled out from under me before I conclude, it's not worth it.