Bedtime

What a sad night. Nothing I want to do, no one I want to talk to, and no options but bed. I was happy once, when the duct tape was firmly pressed over my lips and nothing I said upset anyone, because I was wise enough to quietly take each injury inflicted upon my dignity. Now I am growing old, and very, very sad. Death is peeping through my windows, stalking me. It's my cat and mouse game to amuse me for a few years, before it all fades to black.

A New Death

Life has turned completely upside down. I'm keeping my mouth shut, acting cheerful, and never again expressing any feeling- except with people I KNOW I can trust. I don't care what people think, but I do care if they leave me alone......

Endings

"All the world just stopped now...." and all that bullshit. I refuse to get sentimental this time. I refuse to get caught up in her nonsense again. It's always the same, and I can't go backwards anymore. She's kicked me so many times when I was down. Now she can deal with the fallout. I can't continue to laugh off the abuse. I can't be strong anymore. I just have to live, a virtual zombie. There is no going back. If I don't make it......well, who honestly cares. My mother, and Marty, perhaps. And it's not looking like I will survive. Carrie can make up head pain til the cows come home, and Nicole can rebel against lying in the bed she's made, but I am done.

Rattlesnakes

Moving beyond last night, which actually managed to get worse.....but I'm not in the mood to talk about that. Actually, I'm not really sure what in the hell I feel like talking about. It's almost 4 am, and I'm still awake. Oddly, I have no idea why. Just eating an Italian ice or two, then having a cigarette, then going to bed. "It's so hard to love when love was your great disappointment...."

Phoenix Burning

I feel hateful and horrible tonight. I had a nightmare of a week, and I can't take anything else. So of course, the disgusting pigs in my building have to fuck with me. I never get a fucking break. It's one thing after another. So, I am having a sink-or-swim moment. I'm seriously considering moving back in with my parents. It would be like prison, but I've heard there is a certain safety to that sort of monotony. Locked up in solitary.....yes, I am that desperate. I'm sorry there isn't an easy solution. Trust me, if my parents had a spare house sitting around, I'd take it. But, I'm not that lucky. I left West Chester after a series of gruesome incidents back in 2000-2001. I left my alcoholic, drug abusing husband back in 2007 after trying to commit suicide. I lived. My life has never been easy, but I'm here. I've learned a lot. For one thing, NO ONE is indispensable. If you are killing me, I will leave your ass behind. For another, the things I am most afraid to do are the ones that most need doing. Also, never kick me when I'm down. "Out of the ash, I rise with my red hair, and I eat men like air." And that goes double for snotty, bitchy, spoiled girls.

How Did I Get Here?

Not in a very good place tonight. Just wanting to crawl into bed and hide. I feel completely stuck in a life I can't believe I made for myself. A chorus of "if only" keeps me company in my little self-made mausoleum. I want to go back to myself at sixteen, and shake her awake. I shouldn't have gone blindly into the wolf's den.....but my God, I was a child. Will I forever be doing penance for losing my mind as a teenager? Yes, I realize. Life is hell, and hell is life. 

Arwen

The latest photos of Arwen Kali Crab.....