Nightmare

I find myself wondering tonight, "Is this it?" I am very depressed,  and beginning to think that a certain very important person in my life is a major contributing factor. It doesn't seem like this person honestly gives a fuck about anything I say or do, and if I ever dare mention myself, I am reminded of my selfishness in daring to do so. I can't live like this. I have nothing in my life worth waking up for, and while I realize this is my own fault, it's hard to believe I am worthy of any kind of attention anymore. I'm always so scared of being alone, but then again, it can't be worse than living like this, walking on eggshells. I think of my upcoming surgery, and often hope it proves fatal, simply because I have no idea how to even begin to fix the mess I'm in. I feel completely broken. And I have no one to talk to. My parents have become remote and distant, like Mount Everest. My friends- I have two- know I should have disentangled myself years ago, and are sick of hearing about it. I always think, it can't get worse- and then it does.