RIP iPod

My iPod died a few days ago. It's sad, but we had a good run- I got it for Christmas in 2007. And, Ricardo and Maddie are procuring a new one for me. The hysterectomy has been postponed indefinitely, because my platelets are really low, but it will happen eventually, so they're calling it a get well gift. That's good, b/c I could never afford to replace the damn thing. Well, just living in limbo until I find out what in the hell is going on.

The Baby

Me and Carrie with little Emilia.

Update

Been away for awhile, at Carrie's house....I'll be home until Monday. Then I'm going to my parents' house until I'm admitted to the hospital for my hysterectomy on Tuesday. I'll have a brief hospital stay, and then I'm at my parents' indefinitely. I may stay with Carrie for a bit, too, before I finally return home. I'm hurting pretty badly tonight, so I'm not going to write much more. If anyone is reading this, well, keep me in your prayers. Now I'm going to try calling Mum, and seeing if she can help soothe me, until the pain subsides and I get blessed relief, in the form of sleep......

New Bedroom Decor

The new wall decals in my bedroom. The main one is my favorite- it reads "Carpe Diem." Having a good (but odd) day......

Nightmare

I find myself wondering tonight, "Is this it?" I am very depressed,  and beginning to think that a certain very important person in my life is a major contributing factor. It doesn't seem like this person honestly gives a fuck about anything I say or do, and if I ever dare mention myself, I am reminded of my selfishness in daring to do so. I can't live like this. I have nothing in my life worth waking up for, and while I realize this is my own fault, it's hard to believe I am worthy of any kind of attention anymore. I'm always so scared of being alone, but then again, it can't be worse than living like this, walking on eggshells. I think of my upcoming surgery, and often hope it proves fatal, simply because I have no idea how to even begin to fix the mess I'm in. I feel completely broken. And I have no one to talk to. My parents have become remote and distant, like Mount Everest. My friends- I have two- know I should have disentangled myself years ago, and are sick of hearing about it. I always think, it can't get worse- and then it does.

An Inspiration To Me

This girl, and the hundreds of thousands of children whose voices were silenced in the Shoah, are an inspiration to me. I try to honor her memory- all of their memories- by living a life of peace. We all need to look after one another, as human beings, to truly be able to say "never again." My work for Amnesty International has been for Anne. Because we will never know the woman she would have become, and this is a tragedy. Every life is meaningful, and there is good is everyone. Anne, help me to remember this.

Operation

My stomach is killing me, but I am otherwise ok. Endometriosis is awful; I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Luckily, there seems to be an end in sight....the hysterectomy hasn't been scheduled yet, but I should know next week. I am actually looking forward to it, after I heal up and everything. The operation itself is a little scary, b/c I have low platelets and any surgery is risky, for me. But, living isn't living, in this kind of pain. I believe in quality of life. This surgery should help me with that. Anyway, nothing has been going on in life much lately....this has been weighing on me, and I'll be glad when it's all done!

Fuck Newt!

As far as I'm concerned, Newt Gingrich can go fuck himself. Does anyone ever consider all of the disabled people on Social Security and food stamps? Are we supposed to go out and find jobs? I've been in the workforce. I was demeaned and ridiculed for my mental issues, and nearly fired. The company, as I recall, suggested I apply for disability. I can't work. Period. I am unable to hold down a job b/c I inherited really shitty DNA.   I am sick of hearing how I should be deprived b/c I am living off the taxpayers' dime. I didn't do anything wrong. I am already being denied everything I ever dreamed of- why strip me of my dignity?

Freedom

Getting ready for bed. I've actually slept through the night the past two nights, so I'm hoping tonight will be more of the same. The past few days have been so dull, though, that sleep is a bit of a respite. I haven't left the confines of my building since Friday afternoon, when I went to therapy and ran errands with my dad. It's almost nice, though, this life. I feel numb. I've stopped wanting more than this life, this nothing existence. I feel dead. I feel as if I am finally free.

Waking Up

Irritable today. I hate it when someone breaks plans, especially if I woke up early specifically for those plans. I think in life, there are people who we try to please, and people who try to please us. Sometimes it is reciprocal, but sometimes it isn't. "I am exhausted from living up to your expectations," says Jareth in Labyrinth, and I understand what he means. I also believe I am at my happiest when I am delusional. If I believe that the world is a good place and the people around me are wonderful, I'm fine. I hate it when people feel the need to give me a rude awakening......

The Nineties at UA

Photos of me as a teen. I spent half the day screwing around, scanning these. Going to put them on Facebook.....

Lilli's So-Called Life

Yet another late/sleepless night. Might try to go to bed soon. The pain is abating for the night, and if I stay up much more, I might die of boredom. I have therapy today, and Rick is taking me on errands. That's about it. I haven't had cool pictures to post, or anything interesting to write about, in quite some time, it seems. I found myself missing the two television shows I loved as a teen- Xena: Warrior Princess and My So-Called Life- today. Not sure why......

Good Morning!

Strange morning, I suppose. Woke up ill. Called my mum, who suggested caffeine for the cramping, so I went downstairs and bought a couple of Diet Mt Dews. I drank one, and I think it helped, b/c I was able to get on with my morning.Now I'm dressed and the apartment is fairly neat, before 7 am. Had 2 cigarettes and got on the computer. I'm boiling water for instant kosher noodles now. It's pretty peaceful, at the moment. Just browsing Facebook Ah, the noodles are ready to eat. No wonder no one reads my blog. This is boring beyond belief!

Into The Night

"They say that alcoholics are always alcoholics, even when they're dry as my lips for years, even when they're stranded on a small desert island with no place in 2000 miles to buy beer. And I wonder is he different, is he different, has he changed what he's about?Or is he just a liar with nothing to lie about?" -"Fuel," Ani DiFranco

I wonder if people can break patterns they've always displayed....shit, I wonder if I can. I'm not even sure who I am anymore....I feel so vague tonight. Nothing ever seems set in stone. I'm listening to the Indigo Girls now, remembering a girl who once existed, a me who dreamed of something more than survival. "We were girls in bars, boys on the town, bumping like a pinball off a careless crowd...." I mourn that girl I was, wonder why she died and I am still here. I am a jaded, older caricature of myself at 15. It was over half a lifetime ago, but tonight we run parallel. I can see her; I wonder if she sees me, or would even recognize me. I feel so used up, and I ceased dreaming years ago. I'm overstimulated tonight, and I feel like screaming. But, it never helped her....she screamed for help until the end. Now I just shut up and shuffle along. It's easier to go quietly into the night.....

Boredom

Getting ready for bed right about now...took a nap earlier, but am still a little sleepy. Going to have a Coke and a Camel, then head towards bed, I think. Marty is still texting like mad, but Carrie and Nic are asleep, so it's a little more manageable. I'm just tired, and need some quiet time. Not much to say, really.....

Nerves

Half asleep here in Ohio. Pondering the wisdom of taking a nap, or a pain pill, or both. I'm a little bit scared right now. I am waiting on a phone call, to schedule a hysterectomy. I've done fine all weekend, but now my nerves are on edge. Every little sound grates at me. My friends are texting and calling constantly, and while that is great, I just need some down time right now. So, going to put on headphones and hide out in bed. I'm going to go insane if I don't.

Endometeriosis

The pain is ruining my life. If one more goddamn MAN tells me it's just "cramps," he's painting a target on his head. I am a person living with chronic pain, and I despise what I am. It's charity if you talk to me, listening to what I can stutter out between waves of agony. I'm watching the little bit of life I had in me, draining out like blood from a mortal wound. I got dressed this morning, and yes, it was a major achievement.
The best part is, I suffer from a mood disorder. Thus, no fucking doctors believe a word I say. It's like, something as  simple as (treated) bipolar disorder washes away all of one's credibility. But, I'm tired of bitching, and my stomach is agonizing. It's a sad day when someone has to live like this for no good reason.

It's Like That

Well. Yesterday was a nightmare. So, today I'm trying to stay away from the person who contributed to my foul mood. If I'm going to be in pain, at least my own body will be the cause. I'm making tea right now, and contemplating my next move, as if this were a chess game and not a relationship. She texts, I reply. I'm pretty much acting as if last night never happened, but I know she will bring it up soon. She can't resist. I'm just going to build up the other areas of my life, I guess. I have control there. I can volunteer for Obama. I can sip tea and go through my email. The only thing I can't do is make her love me. But perhaps it was never my battle to win.....

Shopping Trip

Went to Dots today for the first major shopping trip of the new year! I bought a brown dress, jeans, another dress (photo) and the coolest pair of dominatrix boots EVER. See photos:

Family Ties

Shit. I just posted a blog (although it was dull) and changed a few settings, and blam! Gone. I forgot to save it.  Oh, well. I still have no idea what to write about, tonight. I'd like to get off the damn computer by midnight, so I can get up earlier. Maybe I should eat something light. My brain is still going strong. Ok, got up and got chips....let's see....my cousin Alyson announced her pregnancy. I think it's fabulous news, b/c when enough of the "grandchildren" have their own kids, we might stop having communal holidays. My cousin Rachel just had a baby....our family is a bit complicated, though. Mia nonna played favorites in a bad way. Holidays with my father's family were always irritating, b/c I am not one of the chosen. The afore mentioned girls, both born within a year of me, were favorites, and they picked on me mercilessly. Nonna and I have more or less ignored each other my entire life. Even now, I hate seeing those girls. I am summarily left out of all of their conversations, and I am spoken to as condescendingly as possible. Between my mental illness, and lack of a husband, I am ostracized. When the other three girls my age were married, I whined and begged my mother, to no avail, to let me skip the weddings. They were nightmares beyond belief. My cousins are so skinny and perfect, and I looked like a horrendous lump in ill-fitting clothes. Let it be said- I have no problems with any of my male cousins, and I have 2 female cousins who are older, and I adore them (They are also not Nonna's elite). But once Nonna actually dies, I plan on cutting the thin tether that binds me to the three girls my age. We all have a breaking point, and mine is long overdue.