15 Years Later

There's an Indigo Girls song with the line, "Every five years or so I look back on my life, and I have a good laugh." Emily Saliers, who is half of the band, also once said, "You have to laugh at yourself- you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't." So I am thinking of the past 15 years in that light. Almost 15 years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It's been interesting.....at 16, I had no idea I'd end up here. On the plus side, I am, well, alive. I almost wasn't- I tried to kill myself in 2007, and wound up in the ICU. Sometimes I think of the dreams I once had for myself, and it makes me sick. But I can't live that way, thinking of who I might have become. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." -Jonathan Larson. I have to think of who I will become, or, more importantly, who I am. I can't regret any moment of my life, because without any particular thing, I wouldn't be who I am today. Every experience becomes a part of us. Do I wish I didn't have bipolar? Often, yes. But who would I be without it? I've learned so many valuable things from where I've been in life. I feel like I have my priorities straight, and that alone is worth it. I know that happiness has nothing to do with status, wealth, or any of the other things people run after. Happiness is about how you relate to others, and how you relate to yourself. You can say that this is obvious, that everyone knows that. It's true, but until you honestly internalize it, you're going in the wrong direction. Life isn't about being comfortable. It's when we go beyond our comfort zone that we learn and grow. It's not always pleasant to become a better human being. It's an awkward, difficult process. But what is the alternative? Stagnancy and death. My suicide attempt was actually an attempt to stop feeling pain. I was overwhelmed at the very idea of solving my problems. It would take too much effort, too much work.....too much discomfort. Sometimes we must hit bottom before we realise how low we've sunk. That shock can be exactly what we need to bounce back. And, proudly, I did. For now, at least :)