15 Years Later

There's an Indigo Girls song with the line, "Every five years or so I look back on my life, and I have a good laugh." Emily Saliers, who is half of the band, also once said, "You have to laugh at yourself- you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't." So I am thinking of the past 15 years in that light. Almost 15 years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It's been interesting.....at 16, I had no idea I'd end up here. On the plus side, I am, well, alive. I almost wasn't- I tried to kill myself in 2007, and wound up in the ICU. Sometimes I think of the dreams I once had for myself, and it makes me sick. But I can't live that way, thinking of who I might have become. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." -Jonathan Larson. I have to think of who I will become, or, more importantly, who I am. I can't regret any moment of my life, because without any particular thing, I wouldn't be who I am today. Every experience becomes a part of us. Do I wish I didn't have bipolar? Often, yes. But who would I be without it? I've learned so many valuable things from where I've been in life. I feel like I have my priorities straight, and that alone is worth it. I know that happiness has nothing to do with status, wealth, or any of the other things people run after. Happiness is about how you relate to others, and how you relate to yourself. You can say that this is obvious, that everyone knows that. It's true, but until you honestly internalize it, you're going in the wrong direction. Life isn't about being comfortable. It's when we go beyond our comfort zone that we learn and grow. It's not always pleasant to become a better human being. It's an awkward, difficult process. But what is the alternative? Stagnancy and death. My suicide attempt was actually an attempt to stop feeling pain. I was overwhelmed at the very idea of solving my problems. It would take too much effort, too much work.....too much discomfort. Sometimes we must hit bottom before we realise how low we've sunk. That shock can be exactly what we need to bounce back. And, proudly, I did. For now, at least :)

These Foolish Things.....

Awake still, but much less stressed than I was in the last entry. Everything will fall together, as I suspected. I seemed to have discovered the secret trick of the phone, plus my new one should arrive at my parents' house by Monday. As for the laundry, well, it's hanging on the shower rod. If I'm not asleep within the next 2 hours, I may go downstairs and put it through the dryer again. It's Wednesday.....I don't have anywhere I'm supposed to be until Friday at 3 pm (therapy). Nothing exciting planned for next week, either, but sometimes the best things in life are the unplanned ones. Soon it will be October, and autumn will be in full swing. Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then my birthday.....the cycle goes on, like every year. Right now, I'm just going to go through my computer routine, and maybe clean up the apartment a bit.....perhaps I'll even get a bit of sleep. I'll worry about the future when it gets here. Right now, Frank Sinatra is singing on my YouTube playlist, and it all seems idyllic....

L'Shana Tova!

Oh, what a night. The washing machine I happened to select in the building laundry room was broken (no sign, of course) and now my clothes are drenched and refusing to dry. My phone keeps randomly going dead, and I cannot communicate with the world, except via computer. It's gone out now, and is not coming back on, which is pretty damn frightening. So if you are looking for me, I am alive, just pissed off at my phone. My parents don't even check their email, as far as I know, so I expect, if the phone stays off long enough, to have them burst through the door like the frickin' SWAT team. I suppose I should email Carrie and Marty, to keep them abreast of the situation. Wait a sec...
In a flash of brilliance, I took the cover off of the phone, popped out the battery, then popped it back in to restart it. I also plugged it into the wall charger. Bingo! I was supposed to call Carrie a bit ago, but am first calling my father, to let him know that although I realise the new phone is supposed to be a Halloween present, I am in dire need of it, as soon as it arrives. Otherwise there may be a communications blackout, and we all know how those turn out.....
But, despite the distractions, I'm feeling blessed tonight. It's a new year (Rosh Hashannah) and anything can happen. It's a new beginning, 5772, and I'm excited to see what the next year will bring. A year ago, Carrie and I were just getting back together after a summer apart, but the past year's challenges make this year a little bit different. We know things we didn't know then, and the wisdom that comes with experience will hopefully serve us well. L'Shana Tova!

Melancholy Monday.......

Half asleep as I write this, and considering going to bed. Tomorrow is another day, and I'm sure a much better one. Maybe I'll even wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.....but at the moment, I just want to sleep. I'm not exactly depressed, but I might go there if I don't get some rest soon. Right now, just eating popcorn.....and texting profusely, which is usually stressful. Yes, I just need to put away the popcorn, turn on the iPod, and turn out the lights.....

Not My Day....

Very, very bored today. Wondering why I got out of bed at 10:30 am.....or at all. If there's nothing to do, why bother? Oh, great, I can spend another endless day playing Facebook games. Just went on Facebook, and some weirdo tagged me in a photo that was NOT me. It was some woman with a huge chest wearing a bra. That is so fucking creepy, to do that. Thinking of deleting my personal account on Facebook, or at least blocking that asshole. This is not the first time he has done shit like this....yes, blocking the bastard. Oy, what a day!

The Night That the Lights Went Out in Georgia

I've heard people saying this about tonight, and it's true. We have hung an innocent man, or at least one that wasn't proven guilty. Troy Davis died at 11:08 pm, and I'm far more affected by it than I thought I'd be. Sure, I signed a bunch of petitions, and posted my support for his cause on Facebook, but a human life has been lost, and it's, frankly, keeping me awake. It isn't fair. Elisa Baker murdered and dismembered her 10 year old disabled stepdaughter last year, and faces a maximum of 18 years in prison. Oh, but she's a white woman, and her victim wasn't a cop......just because life is inherently unfair doesn't mean we weren't put here to make it better. Why is Mark MacPhail's life worth more than Zahra Baker's? If the rule is, an eye for an eye, let's make all eyes of equal value. Also, Elisa Baker confessed (no doubt in hope of a good deal with authorities). Troy Davis maintained his innocence to the end, and the entire case against him is utterly unconvincing. Just ask noted humanitarians Jimmy Carter and the Pope, who count themselves among Davis' supporters.
I hope Troy Davis finds the peace and justice that eluded him in this life, and I hope the same for Zahra Baker, and all of those who found themselves at the centre of life's storms, through no fault of their own. And I hope Amnesty International, and all of the organizations and individuals who stood up for Troy Davis, continue their fight for a better world. We lost this battle, but there will be many more to win.

The Madwoman's Credo

"I Stand" by Idina Menzel
"I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway."

Btw, if anyone figures out what in the hell I'm doing up at this hour, or why everything is typing up highlighted, please feel free to let me know..... 

Time Travelling

Not much to say, tonight. I'm about to go to bed, actually- it's almost midnight. I'd pray for some excitement, but there's a saying about being careful what you wish for.....listening to the Carly Simon songs of childhood, and wondering if I'll ever make my peace with the past. Will I ever come to terms with the woman who raised me? Does anyone? I know the truth, even if I am constantly told I am lying. I was there. I think a part of me will always be in that hungry little wisp of a girl, wondering how thin she has to be before she's acceptable.....I never know what to do to get rewarded, because the rules keep changing. Standards are raised and lowered, and no one ever consulted me. My mother was the first, but by no means the last. I will never live up to what I am supposed to be to anyone. They say you can't please everyone, but I never please anyone, least of all myself......

Coming back now......and going to bed. 

Rainy Days and Mondays....

Blogging from Carrie's house today while she's at the doctor's office....not much to really say, as is usually true when everything seems to be going ok. We watched Rifftrax mostly yesterday, and on Saturday, I introduced Carrie to my best friend, Marty. So, it wasn't a bad weekend. It's raining and cool out today, though, and I have the feeling I'll be doing a lot of sleeping this week, out of lack of better ideas. Well, like I said, I can't think of much to say. Not in the mood to rant about my parents, because that's a depressing saga.....but, not ready to go there yet. I think I'll just play on Facebook, wait for Carrie, and listen to Jonathan Larson sing about his cats.

Amen to that!

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
  They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
  And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
  By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
  And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
  It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
  And don't have any kids yourself.

Having issues with my mum and dad lately, and thought of this....

Where's the Party?

Good morning, Hamilton! Yawns and shakes off the demons of the night. Not much going on here. Ate way too much at a local Chinese buffet yesterday, and then talked to Carrie until about 1:30 am. The computer was giving me issues yesterday, but seems to be mostly behaving today. I got up a little before 6 am today, and really haven't gotten much done since. I am dressed, and I'm already needing to cut back on my smokes, mostly because I can't think of anything else to do. Right now, I'm listening to music from The Producers and chilling. Soon, I vow, I will do the dishes that are collecting in the sink, and then probably waste time online until med time. Then I hope to get the living room cleaned. I don't plan on leaving the house, except for a few short errands around 1 pm. This is the life of the Madwoman. Wondering why I'm crazy yet?
I do have to come up with a quote-of-the-day for my whiteboard on the fridge, and a title for this blog.....the whiteboard will read, "Every woman adores a fascist." -Sylvia Plath. Like most of the jokes of the mad,no one sees the humor, save the initiated......

Warning: Really Dull Blog

Happy birthday to Joey Votto, who turns 28 today! I used to be such an obsessive Reds fan, but this year has been a bit......disappointing. Oh well, I guess every season can't be a winning one. What else is new.....my neighbor upstairs is a stupid bitch, but I've known that since she dripped gooey peanut butter all over my balcony last year. Today she was glaring at me from the parking lot while I smoked on my balcony. Why she hates me so badly, I will never know. There's more to the story than peanut butter and the evil eye, but I am so not in the mood to get into it. Not sure exactly what to do with my day today, but I have a feeling laundry is in the cards.....other than that, who knows? I guess I'll start by finishing up some research, and then turning on a movie.....

Theda Bara

Trying to look like Theda Bara.....got a long way to go, lol.

"It's so hard to love when love was your great disappointment..."

What a horrid day. If this rainy, grey weather continues, I shall go mad. I'm thinking about working on the computer until 3 pm, then taking my afternoon meds and going to bed. No one cares if I'm awake, and I can think of those who would rather I be asleep. I am tired of resenting people who think they are better than me, and longing for those who cannot be what I need them to be. I am alone. I always have been, and I always will be. I either accept it and get on with life,  or deny it and be forever disappointed. I've looked all my life for a reason to live, and haven't come up with anything. Spite is the best one at the moment. I'll live solely to irritate those who wish I would fade into the background and die. Once I thought it would all get better....I was awfully stupid, once.

Disappointed, Dull, and Drained.....

I am bored out of my mind tonight. I slept all day, until 5:30 pm, but I will probably go bed after I mess with the computer and take a shower. I'm getting tired of always being up when no one else is. There is nothing really to say, tonight.....all I did today was sleep, go to CVS, and get dinner at Wendy's. I texted briefly with Marty and Carrie, and emailed Nicole. I also talked to my mum and dad a bit. Still, I feel very alone, and oddly, drained. Just sitting here and listening to "Tattoo" by Jordin Sparks. Had a drink, so maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight. I just feel very stale. Maybe tomorrow will bring a fresh day........

"Never thought my day would come...."

My Wedding Ring

Sleepy and Bored

Bored tonight, and going to bed soon. Just listening to music, and thinking a bit. Mostly about people and places out of reach.....right now, "Light My Fire" by The Doors is playing. I wonder if time travel is really possible- I mean, traveling back to recapture emotions long dead. I don't know, and it's too late to find out, I think......

Illusions

Bored today. Waiting on Mum to take me to the bank and to therapy. Then we're going to go visit my grandmother. Not sure what to say really....everything is so uncertain these days. Life's axis changes from minute to minute, and the idealistic dreams I once had seem worn and tattered. Where do I go from here? I suppose I just plod along, doing nothing until I know what I'm doing. I'm not in heaven or hell, but a strange purgatory. I suppose I must be purged of my illusions before I can move on. Sometimes I think I was better off, not knowing any of this.....

"Peace!"

"What is hateful to yourself, do not do to your fellow man. That is the whole Torah; the rest is just commentary. Go and study it." (Talmud Shabbat 31a)
"The worshippers of the All-Merciful are they who tread gently upon the earth, and when the ignorant address them, they reply, “Peace!” (Quran25:63:)
These are my responses to the bigots of the world, especially on Care2. I love how they feel they have to personally insult me to make their point, or accuse me of lying because I have a difference perspective. I have one word for them: BAAAAAA!