15 Years Later

There's an Indigo Girls song with the line, "Every five years or so I look back on my life, and I have a good laugh." Emily Saliers, who is half of the band, also once said, "You have to laugh at yourself- you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't." So I am thinking of the past 15 years in that light. Almost 15 years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It's been interesting.....at 16, I had no idea I'd end up here. On the plus side, I am, well, alive. I almost wasn't- I tried to kill myself in 2007, and wound up in the ICU. Sometimes I think of the dreams I once had for myself, and it makes me sick. But I can't live that way, thinking of who I might have become. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." -Jonathan Larson. I have to think of who I will become, or, more importantly, who I am. I can't regret any moment of my life, because without any particular thing, I wouldn't be who I am today. Every experience becomes a part of us. Do I wish I didn't have bipolar? Often, yes. But who would I be without it? I've learned so many valuable things from where I've been in life. I feel like I have my priorities straight, and that alone is worth it. I know that happiness has nothing to do with status, wealth, or any of the other things people run after. Happiness is about how you relate to others, and how you relate to yourself. You can say that this is obvious, that everyone knows that. It's true, but until you honestly internalize it, you're going in the wrong direction. Life isn't about being comfortable. It's when we go beyond our comfort zone that we learn and grow. It's not always pleasant to become a better human being. It's an awkward, difficult process. But what is the alternative? Stagnancy and death. My suicide attempt was actually an attempt to stop feeling pain. I was overwhelmed at the very idea of solving my problems. It would take too much effort, too much work.....too much discomfort. Sometimes we must hit bottom before we realise how low we've sunk. That shock can be exactly what we need to bounce back. And, proudly, I did. For now, at least :)

These Foolish Things.....

Awake still, but much less stressed than I was in the last entry. Everything will fall together, as I suspected. I seemed to have discovered the secret trick of the phone, plus my new one should arrive at my parents' house by Monday. As for the laundry, well, it's hanging on the shower rod. If I'm not asleep within the next 2 hours, I may go downstairs and put it through the dryer again. It's Wednesday.....I don't have anywhere I'm supposed to be until Friday at 3 pm (therapy). Nothing exciting planned for next week, either, but sometimes the best things in life are the unplanned ones. Soon it will be October, and autumn will be in full swing. Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then my birthday.....the cycle goes on, like every year. Right now, I'm just going to go through my computer routine, and maybe clean up the apartment a bit.....perhaps I'll even get a bit of sleep. I'll worry about the future when it gets here. Right now, Frank Sinatra is singing on my YouTube playlist, and it all seems idyllic....

L'Shana Tova!

Oh, what a night. The washing machine I happened to select in the building laundry room was broken (no sign, of course) and now my clothes are drenched and refusing to dry. My phone keeps randomly going dead, and I cannot communicate with the world, except via computer. It's gone out now, and is not coming back on, which is pretty damn frightening. So if you are looking for me, I am alive, just pissed off at my phone. My parents don't even check their email, as far as I know, so I expect, if the phone stays off long enough, to have them burst through the door like the frickin' SWAT team. I suppose I should email Carrie and Marty, to keep them abreast of the situation. Wait a sec...
In a flash of brilliance, I took the cover off of the phone, popped out the battery, then popped it back in to restart it. I also plugged it into the wall charger. Bingo! I was supposed to call Carrie a bit ago, but am first calling my father, to let him know that although I realise the new phone is supposed to be a Halloween present, I am in dire need of it, as soon as it arrives. Otherwise there may be a communications blackout, and we all know how those turn out.....
But, despite the distractions, I'm feeling blessed tonight. It's a new year (Rosh Hashannah) and anything can happen. It's a new beginning, 5772, and I'm excited to see what the next year will bring. A year ago, Carrie and I were just getting back together after a summer apart, but the past year's challenges make this year a little bit different. We know things we didn't know then, and the wisdom that comes with experience will hopefully serve us well. L'Shana Tova!

Melancholy Monday.......

Half asleep as I write this, and considering going to bed. Tomorrow is another day, and I'm sure a much better one. Maybe I'll even wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.....but at the moment, I just want to sleep. I'm not exactly depressed, but I might go there if I don't get some rest soon. Right now, just eating popcorn.....and texting profusely, which is usually stressful. Yes, I just need to put away the popcorn, turn on the iPod, and turn out the lights.....

Not My Day....

Very, very bored today. Wondering why I got out of bed at 10:30 am.....or at all. If there's nothing to do, why bother? Oh, great, I can spend another endless day playing Facebook games. Just went on Facebook, and some weirdo tagged me in a photo that was NOT me. It was some woman with a huge chest wearing a bra. That is so fucking creepy, to do that. Thinking of deleting my personal account on Facebook, or at least blocking that asshole. This is not the first time he has done shit like this....yes, blocking the bastard. Oy, what a day!

The Night That the Lights Went Out in Georgia

I've heard people saying this about tonight, and it's true. We have hung an innocent man, or at least one that wasn't proven guilty. Troy Davis died at 11:08 pm, and I'm far more affected by it than I thought I'd be. Sure, I signed a bunch of petitions, and posted my support for his cause on Facebook, but a human life has been lost, and it's, frankly, keeping me awake. It isn't fair. Elisa Baker murdered and dismembered her 10 year old disabled stepdaughter last year, and faces a maximum of 18 years in prison. Oh, but she's a white woman, and her victim wasn't a cop......just because life is inherently unfair doesn't mean we weren't put here to make it better. Why is Mark MacPhail's life worth more than Zahra Baker's? If the rule is, an eye for an eye, let's make all eyes of equal value. Also, Elisa Baker confessed (no doubt in hope of a good deal with authorities). Troy Davis maintained his innocence to the end, and the entire case against him is utterly unconvincing. Just ask noted humanitarians Jimmy Carter and the Pope, who count themselves among Davis' supporters.
I hope Troy Davis finds the peace and justice that eluded him in this life, and I hope the same for Zahra Baker, and all of those who found themselves at the centre of life's storms, through no fault of their own. And I hope Amnesty International, and all of the organizations and individuals who stood up for Troy Davis, continue their fight for a better world. We lost this battle, but there will be many more to win.

The Madwoman's Credo

"I Stand" by Idina Menzel
"I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway."

Btw, if anyone figures out what in the hell I'm doing up at this hour, or why everything is typing up highlighted, please feel free to let me know.....