I Don't Like Mondays....

Not in a very good place tonight. I think I'm just going to go to bed, and hope I wake up in a less depressing world. I'm going mad. I can wake up feeling great, but I've only got so much to work with here! Everyone I talk to makes me want to jump off a bridge. I can't hold up the sky, people! I tend towards depression when left to my own devices- I don't need assistance. If things don't get better soon.....well, what am I going to do? All I can do is just smile and take it. God forbid I speak up.

"As Cool As I Am"

This is kind of tonight's song, in some weird way. I think the theme for tonight is disappointment, and this song is about moving beyond it, and starting over. It's been a very up-and-down weekend. Not sure how to feel at the moment. "Let down" is the first thing that comes to mind. So, I'm going to eat, then get some sleep. Maybe this week will be better, or at least, easier to process.

"Investigative Reporting Is Back!"

Saw this ad this afternoon, and cracked up. Since when does the Journal News have "investigative reporting"? I'm shocked when I read an entire article that is spelled correctly! And as for the content, it mostly is just pandering to the anti-Latino bigot crowd. I read it because it is inexpensive, easy to obtain, and because proofreading is fun. If I could get a real newspaper delivered for a reasonable price, I would. It's the journalistic equivalent of combining Fox News with "The Beverly Hillbillies," with all the literary merit of  a trashy porn magazine. Yet none of the intriguing photos, lol.
Well, it's been a quiet day, and now I'm on the phone with Nic, so ciao!

15 Years Later

There's an Indigo Girls song with the line, "Every five years or so I look back on my life, and I have a good laugh." Emily Saliers, who is half of the band, also once said, "You have to laugh at yourself- you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't." So I am thinking of the past 15 years in that light. Almost 15 years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It's been interesting.....at 16, I had no idea I'd end up here. On the plus side, I am, well, alive. I almost wasn't- I tried to kill myself in 2007, and wound up in the ICU. Sometimes I think of the dreams I once had for myself, and it makes me sick. But I can't live that way, thinking of who I might have become. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." -Jonathan Larson. I have to think of who I will become, or, more importantly, who I am. I can't regret any moment of my life, because without any particular thing, I wouldn't be who I am today. Every experience becomes a part of us. Do I wish I didn't have bipolar? Often, yes. But who would I be without it? I've learned so many valuable things from where I've been in life. I feel like I have my priorities straight, and that alone is worth it. I know that happiness has nothing to do with status, wealth, or any of the other things people run after. Happiness is about how you relate to others, and how you relate to yourself. You can say that this is obvious, that everyone knows that. It's true, but until you honestly internalize it, you're going in the wrong direction. Life isn't about being comfortable. It's when we go beyond our comfort zone that we learn and grow. It's not always pleasant to become a better human being. It's an awkward, difficult process. But what is the alternative? Stagnancy and death. My suicide attempt was actually an attempt to stop feeling pain. I was overwhelmed at the very idea of solving my problems. It would take too much effort, too much work.....too much discomfort. Sometimes we must hit bottom before we realise how low we've sunk. That shock can be exactly what we need to bounce back. And, proudly, I did. For now, at least :)

These Foolish Things.....

Awake still, but much less stressed than I was in the last entry. Everything will fall together, as I suspected. I seemed to have discovered the secret trick of the phone, plus my new one should arrive at my parents' house by Monday. As for the laundry, well, it's hanging on the shower rod. If I'm not asleep within the next 2 hours, I may go downstairs and put it through the dryer again. It's Wednesday.....I don't have anywhere I'm supposed to be until Friday at 3 pm (therapy). Nothing exciting planned for next week, either, but sometimes the best things in life are the unplanned ones. Soon it will be October, and autumn will be in full swing. Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then my birthday.....the cycle goes on, like every year. Right now, I'm just going to go through my computer routine, and maybe clean up the apartment a bit.....perhaps I'll even get a bit of sleep. I'll worry about the future when it gets here. Right now, Frank Sinatra is singing on my YouTube playlist, and it all seems idyllic....

L'Shana Tova!

Oh, what a night. The washing machine I happened to select in the building laundry room was broken (no sign, of course) and now my clothes are drenched and refusing to dry. My phone keeps randomly going dead, and I cannot communicate with the world, except via computer. It's gone out now, and is not coming back on, which is pretty damn frightening. So if you are looking for me, I am alive, just pissed off at my phone. My parents don't even check their email, as far as I know, so I expect, if the phone stays off long enough, to have them burst through the door like the frickin' SWAT team. I suppose I should email Carrie and Marty, to keep them abreast of the situation. Wait a sec...
In a flash of brilliance, I took the cover off of the phone, popped out the battery, then popped it back in to restart it. I also plugged it into the wall charger. Bingo! I was supposed to call Carrie a bit ago, but am first calling my father, to let him know that although I realise the new phone is supposed to be a Halloween present, I am in dire need of it, as soon as it arrives. Otherwise there may be a communications blackout, and we all know how those turn out.....
But, despite the distractions, I'm feeling blessed tonight. It's a new year (Rosh Hashannah) and anything can happen. It's a new beginning, 5772, and I'm excited to see what the next year will bring. A year ago, Carrie and I were just getting back together after a summer apart, but the past year's challenges make this year a little bit different. We know things we didn't know then, and the wisdom that comes with experience will hopefully serve us well. L'Shana Tova!

Melancholy Monday.......

Half asleep as I write this, and considering going to bed. Tomorrow is another day, and I'm sure a much better one. Maybe I'll even wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.....but at the moment, I just want to sleep. I'm not exactly depressed, but I might go there if I don't get some rest soon. Right now, just eating popcorn.....and texting profusely, which is usually stressful. Yes, I just need to put away the popcorn, turn on the iPod, and turn out the lights.....