Our Town

I can't. I can't go on.It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Take me back -- up the hill -- to my grave. But first: Wait! One more look. Good-bye , Good-bye world. Good-bye, Grover's Corners....Mama and Papa. Good-bye to clocks ticking....and Mama's sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new ironed dresses and hot baths....and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth,you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every,every minute?
Stage Manager: No. (pause) The saints and poets, maybe they do some.


I can't. I can't go on. It goes so fast. We don't have time to actually see one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Take me back- up the hill- to my tomb, my apartment. But first: Wait! One last look. Good-bye, Good-bye world. Good-bye to my family....Mummy and Rick, Goat Boy and Petey. Good-bye to computers.....and Carrie's hermit crabs. And Pearl's Diner and Hannibal. And brand new clothes and flip flops.....and falling in love in Starbucks. Oh, life, you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it- every, every minute?
No, Ricki. The saints and poets, maybe they do some.......

Some days, it would be easier to die than to live in your own grave, buried alive.

Psychiatrist Blues

Ah, my new psychiatrist. It takes a special kind of stupid to take a person off a med that was actually working, and replace it with something that has a black box warning for suicide, especially when the patient is depressed and has a long history of attempts on her own life. I cannot believe my old psychiatrist retired left me to this bitch, who isn't even an actual doctor.

Hopeless

The depression was really bad last night, and continued until I woke up from my nap around 3:30 pm today. I'm tired of these wild mood swings, and I'm sick of missing Carrie and my old life. There's got to be something I can do. I met a guy on POF but so far, he's been mostly a waste of my time and energy. I meet him tomorrow night; if we don't hit it off, I'm moving on, no questions asked. I don't think I'll ever really love again. No one will ever be her.......

Back to Black

Been listening to Amy Winehouse's masterpiece, Back to Black, tonight. Story of my life. I thought this blog would have Amy performing the title song. "We only said goodbye with words, I died a hundred times..."

Queen of Cups

Some of my favorite interpretations of my card:

Love Song

Yes, I'm posting lyrics, which I've been criticized for in the past....but, hey, if it's already been said well.....

Love Song by Sara Bareilles

Head under water and you tell me
To breathe easy for awhile
The breathing gets harder, even I know that

Made room for me, but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well
But you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you ask for it
'Cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way

I'm not gonna write you to stay
All you have is leaving
I'mma need a better reason
To write you a love song today, today... yeah...

I learned the hard way that they all say
Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under

You and your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you ask for it
'Cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way

I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving
I'mma need a better reason
To write you a love song today

Promise me you'll leave the light on
To help me see daylight, my guide, gone
'Cause I believe there's a way
You can love me because I say

I won't write you a love song
'Cause you ask for it
'Cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this

Is that why you wanted a love song?
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way

I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute

Babe, I'll walk the seven seas
When I believe that there's a reason
To write you a love song today, today

Read more: Sara Bareilles - Love Song Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Sunday

Just a dull Sunday morning here in this virtual theocracy. I can't even buy alcohol to forget where I am- just because some people call Sunday the sabbath. I think the biggest reaction I've gotten here in Hamilton is when I inform people that Jesus is not my "personal savior." Mind you, I'm a lesbian, and I look Latina, which is a huge strike against you in this bigoted county. Oh, yeah, and I collect disability for mental illness. Still, the only thing that shocks people is that I have no interest in being a Christian.

So....nothing to do today, really. I might go to WalMart with Mum. Exciting. When did life become a monotonous routine devoid of all hope? Oh, yeah.....

The hardest part of ending is beginning again........

Well, it's been nearly a week since I last saw her, and I think it's been good for me. We've barely spoken, except for some cruelties on her part. It's strange, but the world is a bigger place than I'd thought, and maybe my place in it, as well. It's never easy, but maybe I can do something with my life.....

Silent

Six and a half years later......I have been left high and dry, and I don't even want to go back. Time to turn the page, I suppose. But how do I start over, after everything? Who am I now? Certainly not the same.....I have been indelibly marked by what I have known. And, of course, "I've been here, silent all these years..."

One For My Baby.......

Planning on drinking with Marty tonight.....so here's tonight's song:
"One For My Baby (And One More For The Road)"

It's quarter to three, there's no one in the place except you and me
So, set 'em up, Joe, I got a little story you oughta know
We're drinkin', my friend, to the end of a brief episode
Make it one for my baby and one more for the road

I got the routine, so drop another nickel in the machine
I'm feelin' so bad, wish you'd make the music pretty and sad
Could tell you a lot, but you've got to be true to your code
So, make it one for my baby and one more for the road

You'd never know it but buddy, I'm a kind of poet
And I got a lot of things to say
And when I'm gloomy, you simply gotta listen to me
Till it's all talked away

Well that's how it goes and Joe, I know your gettin' pretty anxious to close
So, thanks for the cheer, I hope you didn't mind my bendin' your ear
This torch that I found must be drowned or it soon might explode
So, make it one for my baby and one more for the road
That long, long road