Nowadays

Another long absence....haven't been on the computer as much. Mike and I split up last month- I was tired of being lied to and ignored.  Other than a semi-romance with "el chico del apartamento cinco doce" ( long story, and a really good Selena song), everything is status quo. Oh, and my latest obsession is the HBO series "Boardwalk Empire." And it's really damn cold in Ohio in December......

Geheimes Deutchland

What hell this week has been. I suppose it's to be expected- Claus' yarzheit was Monday- but still! I was rushed to the doctor yesterday, vomiting blood. Probably an ulcer; I get an EGD on Tuesday. Things haven't been peachy romantically, either- he's been ignoring me. Well, he's supposed to come over tonight, so we'll see. I've worn a photo of Claus around my neck all week, like an amulet. All that smoke I exhale goes somewhere, I suppose......

Not Only Numb

I heard this song last night, with a bottle of wine as my sole company.....now I can't get it out of my head.

"Not Only Numb"

Looking all around the room I see the clutter in the gloom
I'm not only back, I'm not only numb
Changing shades within the evening
In a day then I'll be leaving
I'm not only back, I'm not only numb
When the air at home is thin
Getting out then looking in
Yeah she knows, she knows, she knows
It ain't awful hard to tell
What it's like, my little hell
Yeah she knows, she knows, she knows
I'm now familiar with the tone I hear in bed when I'm alone
I'm not only back, I'm not only numb
In the shade below the eaves
Think I could chain smoke anything
I'm not only back, I'm not only numb
When the air at home is thin
Getting out, then looking in
Yeah she knows, she knows, she knows
It ain't awful hard to tell
What it's like, my little hell
Yeah she knows, she knows, she knows
She knows, she knows, she knows
She sees all the cars around the parking lots of bars we've played and stayed
Started laughing, looking down upon the bed that we've made
We've made, we've made, we've made
She sees all the cars around the parking lots of bars we've played and stayed
Started laughing, looking falling down across the bed that we've made
We've made, we've made, we've made
The air at home is thin
When getting out, then looking in
I'm not only back, I'm not only numb
Changing shades within the evening
In a day, then I'll be leaving
I'm not only back, I'm not only numb...

Doctors

I hate doctors. Not because I am scared of their diagnoses; far from it. I hate how self righteous they are. If one needs a drug that happens to be a narcotic, they are labeled a hopeless junkie and treated as if they are a criminal. Nevermind if you've never taken illegal substances, or never even been arrested. You are an addict at their "mercy." It's worse than getting things from a dealer on the street. And God help you if you are over 120 lbs! Doctors are the biggest cause of eating disorders. I truly believe this. Sure, models stare at you from magazines, but doctors treat you like you are disgusting, and risking your health with every ounce. "Health"- the word is wielded like a weapon; if you are in the least displeasing to some moron with a medical degree, you are unhealthy and therefore all problems you may have are your own fault! Fuck genetics, fuck microbes- YOU are lax. They all act like they are perfect......
Must stop ranting now. It does no damn good, just makes me want something really evil, like an ice cream bar.......

Buon Compleanno

This blog is just a "buon compleanno" to some deceased family members......:Nonna Domenica (3 July), Nonnno e Zio Michael (7 July) e Nonna (5 July). Molta amore......

Saints and Poets

Went to the hematologist yesterday....something is really wrong. I'm likely bleeding internally, which could signify a bleeding ulcer or polyp......or possibly colon cancer. It's amazing what the very word "cancer" does to your mind. Mine is now a swirl of song lyrics, mostly "Goodbye Love" from Rent, and "Good Things" by Sleater-Kinney. And that quote about realizing life from Our Town. I need an airplane to wish on, too.....

The lyrics to "here.in my head" by Tori Amos. It reminds me both of high school (L, anyone?) and the past 7 years. Those who not learn from the past......

Here. In My Head

in my head i found you there and
running around and following me
but you don’t, oh, dare, now
but i find that i have, now
more then i ever wanted to
so maybe thomas jefferson
wasn’t born in your backyard
like you have said and
maybe i’m just the horizon you run to when
she has left you there, you, are
here in my head
and running around and calling me
“come back i’ll show you the roses
that brush off the snow
and open their petals again and again”
and you know that
apple green ice cream
can melt in your hands
i can’t, so…
i held your hand at the fair
and even forgot what time it was
and even thomas jefferson
wasn’t born in your backyard
like you have said and
maybe i’m just the horizon you run to
when she has left
you and me here
alone on the floor
you’re counting my feathers
as the bells toll
you see the bow and the belt
and the girl from the south
all favorites of mine
you know them all well
and spring brings fresh little puddles
that makes it all clear
makes it all…
hey, do you know
hey, do you know
what this is doing to me?
oh, here…
here…
here. in my head

Taken from my Deviant Art Journal

Devious Journal Entry

• by LilliMarlene, Moments ago
• Journals / Personal

Ah, che giorno. I am collecting photos of Frank Sinatra, listening to Cole Porter, and feeling like an anachronism, or at the very least, a time traveler. I want to go back and see Billie Holliday sing in Harlem, take in a Rat Pack show in Vegas, or pay a quarter to see a Mae West or Marlene Dietrich film. I want people to understand what my name means without me explaining it. I want to have a soldier fighting Nazis in Europe, carrying my photo with him everywhere.
I want to be one of Mercedes de Acosta's long line of lovers, a scandal in matte red lipstick and heels.I want to be the past.

Three Boys

Three yeshiva students recently kidnapped by Hamas. Keep them in your prayers:

Depressed

As nice as Mike is, he can't seem to fill the hole in my heart. I'm not entirely certain he's even interested in me. We rarely text or talk, most days. Carrie was my whole life. How do I go from one extreme to the other? I feel empty and lonely. I've lost my soulmate, and everyone expects me to act like nothing happened. Seven years of my life belonged to her. I wish I had the courage to end my life. Sadly, I pathetically remain. Why, I'll never know.

Adorable Joey Votto pic

Monday, Monday

Well, I've no idea what to say today....going to the doctor soon for endrometriosis issues, then running some easy errands and returning home. Not very exciting, especially compared to the wonderful day I had yesterday (yes, I'm smitten).

Daughter of a Preacher Man

My dad is a trained Catholic deacon. He was going to work as a deacon upon retirement......then the economy got fucked up, and he doesn't get to retire. This is one of my favorite songs.....

Mike

Yes, I have a severe crush....

2007-2014

It was a time in my life I will never forget, marked indelibly on my soul. Hopefully memory will serve me well, cater to me, and bring back only images of the beauty and grace that belonged to it....to us. But I can't live there any longer. It's too painful to die to the present, and make myself into a paean to the past. I love you. Rest well. 

Where I Am Now

"Closer"

All I want to get is a little bit closer
All I want to know is, can you come a little closer?

Here comes the breath before we get a little bit closer
Here comes the rush before we touch, come a little closer

The doors are open, the wind is really blowing
The night sky is changing overhead

It's not just all physical
I'm the type who won't get oh so critical
So let's make things physical
I won't treat you like you're oh so typical
I won't treat you like you're oh so typical

All you think of lately is getting underneath me
All I dream of lately is how to get you underneath me

Here comes the heat before we meet a little bit closer
Here comes the spark before the dark, come a little closer

The lights are off and the sun is finally setting
The night sky is changing overhead

It's not just all physical
I'm the type who won't get oh so critical
So let's make things physical
I won't treat you like you're oh so typical

I want you close, I want you
I won't treat you like you're typical
I want you close, I want you
I won't treat you like you're typical

Here come the dreams of you and me
Here come the dreams
Here come the dreams of you and me
Here come the dreams

It's not just all physical
I'm the type who won't get oh so critical
So let's make things physical
I won't treat you like you're oh so typical

I want you close, I want you
I won't treat you like you're typical
I want you close, I want you
I won't treat you like you're typical

I won't treat you like you're typical
I won't treat you like you're typical

All I want to get is a little bit closer
All I want to know is, can you come a little closer?

Friday

Word to the wise: if you are having kids, you must be able to deal with them, no matter what special needs they might have. My mother is angry with me because I've been telephoning her too much. I am very ill, both physically and mentally, and I have nowhere else to turn. Profuse vomiting is unpleasant enough, but in my mental state, I could very well just give up. Nevermind that my brother talks to us like we are lower than dirt- he's studying for the bar, and must be catered to and coddled. I realize everything would be better for everyone had I never been born, but it's not my fault. I didn't ask to be crazy and sickly. They tell me I must not kill myself, but isn't that the only way to solve the problem?

Janis

Parents

My father's favorite quotes are "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer," and "Time is the great equalizer." The former is from The Godfather (my dad is Italian-American.). The latter means that no one should be too self-congratulatory when comparing oneself to others, especially in youth. We all grow up, we all grow old, we all die.  I always wondered if I was disappointing to my father, b/c even with time, my life has gone nowhere. However, there is always still time.....and anyway, Rick tends to think I'm a saint b/c of all the suffering my illnesses have imposed upon me. It's interesting, but my parents really see saintly qualities in me. Of course, they are still critical of, say, my manner of dress. I feel often like I am in a weird sort of hiding with them......but for the most part, they are wonderful.  

Our Town

I can't. I can't go on.It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Take me back -- up the hill -- to my grave. But first: Wait! One more look. Good-bye , Good-bye world. Good-bye, Grover's Corners....Mama and Papa. Good-bye to clocks ticking....and Mama's sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new ironed dresses and hot baths....and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth,you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every,every minute?
Stage Manager: No. (pause) The saints and poets, maybe they do some.


I can't. I can't go on. It goes so fast. We don't have time to actually see one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Take me back- up the hill- to my tomb, my apartment. But first: Wait! One last look. Good-bye, Good-bye world. Good-bye to my family....Mummy and Rick, Goat Boy and Petey. Good-bye to computers.....and Carrie's hermit crabs. And Pearl's Diner and Hannibal. And brand new clothes and flip flops.....and falling in love in Starbucks. Oh, life, you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it- every, every minute?
No, Ricki. The saints and poets, maybe they do some.......

Some days, it would be easier to die than to live in your own grave, buried alive.

Psychiatrist Blues

Ah, my new psychiatrist. It takes a special kind of stupid to take a person off a med that was actually working, and replace it with something that has a black box warning for suicide, especially when the patient is depressed and has a long history of attempts on her own life. I cannot believe my old psychiatrist retired left me to this bitch, who isn't even an actual doctor.

Hopeless

The depression was really bad last night, and continued until I woke up from my nap around 3:30 pm today. I'm tired of these wild mood swings, and I'm sick of missing Carrie and my old life. There's got to be something I can do. I met a guy on POF but so far, he's been mostly a waste of my time and energy. I meet him tomorrow night; if we don't hit it off, I'm moving on, no questions asked. I don't think I'll ever really love again. No one will ever be her.......

Back to Black

Been listening to Amy Winehouse's masterpiece, Back to Black, tonight. Story of my life. I thought this blog would have Amy performing the title song. "We only said goodbye with words, I died a hundred times..."

Queen of Cups

Some of my favorite interpretations of my card:

Love Song

Yes, I'm posting lyrics, which I've been criticized for in the past....but, hey, if it's already been said well.....

Love Song by Sara Bareilles

Head under water and you tell me
To breathe easy for awhile
The breathing gets harder, even I know that

Made room for me, but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well
But you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you ask for it
'Cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way

I'm not gonna write you to stay
All you have is leaving
I'mma need a better reason
To write you a love song today, today... yeah...

I learned the hard way that they all say
Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under

You and your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you ask for it
'Cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way

I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving
I'mma need a better reason
To write you a love song today

Promise me you'll leave the light on
To help me see daylight, my guide, gone
'Cause I believe there's a way
You can love me because I say

I won't write you a love song
'Cause you ask for it
'Cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this

Is that why you wanted a love song?
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way

I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute

Babe, I'll walk the seven seas
When I believe that there's a reason
To write you a love song today, today

Read more: Sara Bareilles - Love Song Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Sunday

Just a dull Sunday morning here in this virtual theocracy. I can't even buy alcohol to forget where I am- just because some people call Sunday the sabbath. I think the biggest reaction I've gotten here in Hamilton is when I inform people that Jesus is not my "personal savior." Mind you, I'm a lesbian, and I look Latina, which is a huge strike against you in this bigoted county. Oh, yeah, and I collect disability for mental illness. Still, the only thing that shocks people is that I have no interest in being a Christian.

So....nothing to do today, really. I might go to WalMart with Mum. Exciting. When did life become a monotonous routine devoid of all hope? Oh, yeah.....

The hardest part of ending is beginning again........

Well, it's been nearly a week since I last saw her, and I think it's been good for me. We've barely spoken, except for some cruelties on her part. It's strange, but the world is a bigger place than I'd thought, and maybe my place in it, as well. It's never easy, but maybe I can do something with my life.....

Silent

Six and a half years later......I have been left high and dry, and I don't even want to go back. Time to turn the page, I suppose. But how do I start over, after everything? Who am I now? Certainly not the same.....I have been indelibly marked by what I have known. And, of course, "I've been here, silent all these years..."

One For My Baby.......

Planning on drinking with Marty tonight.....so here's tonight's song:
"One For My Baby (And One More For The Road)"

It's quarter to three, there's no one in the place except you and me
So, set 'em up, Joe, I got a little story you oughta know
We're drinkin', my friend, to the end of a brief episode
Make it one for my baby and one more for the road

I got the routine, so drop another nickel in the machine
I'm feelin' so bad, wish you'd make the music pretty and sad
Could tell you a lot, but you've got to be true to your code
So, make it one for my baby and one more for the road

You'd never know it but buddy, I'm a kind of poet
And I got a lot of things to say
And when I'm gloomy, you simply gotta listen to me
Till it's all talked away

Well that's how it goes and Joe, I know your gettin' pretty anxious to close
So, thanks for the cheer, I hope you didn't mind my bendin' your ear
This torch that I found must be drowned or it soon might explode
So, make it one for my baby and one more for the road
That long, long road

RIP

RIP Ryan Freel (1976-2012). He was one of the great baseball players.

Sometimes I want to say this.......

Goodbye to Love

Today is best summed up by an old Carpenters song.....

"Goodbye to Love"
'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love
has passed me by
And all I know of love
is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it.

So I've made my mind up I must live
my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love.

There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories

And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for something I could live for.

All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my
only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can.

What lies in the future
is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune
as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that
I've been wrong
But for now this is my song.

And it's goodbye to love

I'll say goodbye to love.

Tears Dry On Their Own

This song is on an endless loop in my head.......
"Tears Dry On Their Own"

All I can ever be to you,
Is a darkness that we knew,
And this regret I've got accustomed to,
Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night,
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don't know why I got so attached,
It's my responsibility,
And you don't owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity

[Chorus:]
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And in your way, in this blue shade,
My tears dry on their own,

I don't understand,
Why do I stress A man,
When there's so many bigger things at hand,
We could a never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal,
Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes true,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon,

I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men,

[Chorus]

So we are history,
Your shadow covers me
The sky above ablaze,

[Chorus]

I wish I could say no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
Cause as we kiss goodbye the sun sets
So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above ablaze that lonley lovers see,

[Chorus]

[x2:]
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And in your way,
In this deep shade
My tears dry

"Horses"

Tori Amos singing one of my favorites.

Drama

Wow. Tuesday evening was awful. I got a horrid, bigoted form letter from a certain orange-hued person who is prominent in American politics. I'm sorry if he think it's "special rights" that LGBT people not be fired over who they are or who they love.....if he is indeed that delusional. My real guess is that he's catering to the tea party in an election year. Ugh.

Otherwise, all is drama lately, and I'm getting fucking sick of it. When I have to weigh every word I say, I am uncomfortable. If I get uncomfortable enough, I move on.

Me and Nicole

A photo of me and Nicole, sometime last month.

My So-Called Past

So I've been indulging in some nineties nostalgia tonight......watching "My So-Called Life" on DVD and listening to old music. It's weird, knowing how it all turns out, especially knowing how I turned out. Who would've thought my motto in 2014 would come from a 22-year-old song, but "if you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down." I was an overachiever, especially when I was having unmedicated manias. But the fall was never worth the high. You can't survive like that. And "whether it's heaven or hell, I'm gonna be living to tell...."

Reply to the World

Yes, I am a madwoman....but who in the hell are you to judge?


Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do
 

There ain't nothin' I can do or nothin' I can say
That folks don't criticize me but I'm going to do
Just as I want to anyway
And don't care just what people say

If I should take a notion, to jump into the ocean
Ain't nobody's business if I do
If I go to church on Sunday, then cabaret all day Monday
Ain't nobody's business if I do

If my man ain't got no money and I say, "Take all of mine, honey"
Ain't nobody's business if I do
If I give him my last nickel and it leaves me in a pickle
Ain't nobody's business if I do

Well, I'd rather my man would hit me
Than for him to jump up and quit me
Ain't nobody's business if I do
I swear I won't call no copper, if I'm beat up by my papa
Ain't nobody's business if I do, nobody's business
Ain't nobody's business, nobody's business if I do

Endings

Well, I suppose today had to come at some time.... I am through with Carrie. I have regrets- I will never see the crabs again, nor will I have anyone to watch Hannibal with. But I can't deal with the awful way she treats me, and I won't put up with it. I'm not her bitch, nor have I done anything to deserve this treatment. So, as the great Isadora said, "Au revoir, mes amies! Je vais au gloire!" If I die tonight,
I died on my own terms.

Opening Day!

I want to begin with a very heartfelt.....
GO REDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Having grown up here, just north of Cincinnati, I don't think spring and summer are complete without Reds baseball. My dad used to take me to games as a kid (a supreme treat). One of my favorite summers was '07. I had an ambition- to get on the RedsCam. I wanted to hold up a sign that said "FELIPE LOPEZ, WILL YOU MARRY ME?" in honor of a very handsome shortstop, but Rick said no. Lol, it's funny because now half the women at the ballpark are in "Mrs. Votto" tee shirts. 
So here's to the Reds kicking some Cardinal ass today!

Six Days More........

My first Italian poem

La Casa della Strega

Mia cara, per favore, stai nella luce.
Non lascio mai la bambina nelli tuoi occhi.
Crescere, com'é una scala a chioccida
condurre ai incubi.

La strega concsca tutto.
Ascoltare.
Posso dire i tuoi sogni....
Ci credo?
Non?
Un domani....

Manic Depression

I've been really manic and nervous all day. I hope I'll be able to sleep tonight. I've taken all of my nighttime medication, and am drinking herbal tea, just trying to relax. I guess if sleep alludes me, I can just entertain myself here at home, and then maybe nap at some point tomorrow. I really hate being on disability. The apt feels like a prison, at times, and I'm in solitary confinement. I don't easily make friends, and the opportunities to meet new people are pretty rare. I feel like I'm wasting my life, but what else could I do? I can't work, I can't afford school.....I feel like I've fallen between the cracks.

Hanni Crab

This little guy got a miracle, yesterday. Carrie unearthed him mid-molt, and he appeared dead. She put him in the water dish, so she could bury him later in the day, and an hour later, looked in on him. He was alive, and had finished his molt! Carrie held him in her hands to warm him, and checked on him this morning. Hannibal Crab is alive and well!

The Madwoman In The Attic

I don't know if I've posted this here before, but it sums up a lot of my feelings about being diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

The Madwoman In The Attic

It's been 16 years since I died.
They buried me here, and here I
remain. The Attic is a lonesome
fate for one so young. For I was
16 when the key turned in the lock.
Funny, they call it an illness-
"mental illness"-
and yet, I am heaped with shame,
not sympathy. I have grown old in
my prison cell, but I am fated to never
grow up. The pills they give are in vain.
The doctors brush off the "side" effects,
but my body is bloated and broken,
a parody of the girl I was,
before.
My caretakers (captors?)
simply expect my  premature death
like one expects rain on an overcast
day. Poor fools. Didn't they read Bronte?
The Madwoman in that Attic
didn't just take their shit.
She burned down the house around her.

VostraLilli

Back again, with a fancy new name: VostraLilli Hadara Strega. Just realized the initials are VHS, lol. Anyway, it's a symbolic way of casting off the past while  hanging on to the core of who I am. Not much has gone on in the months that have passed, really. Pretty quiet. It has been freezing cold and snowing constantly, which is slowly driving me to insanity. I am currently reading "Jews, God, and History," a history of the Jewish people, which is refreshing after a long stretch spent on a bio of Ernst Kaltenbrunner, lol. I hope spring-like weather comes soon to Ohio........