Bedtime

What a sad night. Nothing I want to do, no one I want to talk to, and no options but bed. I was happy once, when the duct tape was firmly pressed over my lips and nothing I said upset anyone, because I was wise enough to quietly take each injury inflicted upon my dignity. Now I am growing old, and very, very sad. Death is peeping through my windows, stalking me. It's my cat and mouse game to amuse me for a few years, before it all fades to black.

A New Death

Life has turned completely upside down. I'm keeping my mouth shut, acting cheerful, and never again expressing any feeling- except with people I KNOW I can trust. I don't care what people think, but I do care if they leave me alone......

Endings

"All the world just stopped now...." and all that bullshit. I refuse to get sentimental this time. I refuse to get caught up in her nonsense again. It's always the same, and I can't go backwards anymore. She's kicked me so many times when I was down. Now she can deal with the fallout. I can't continue to laugh off the abuse. I can't be strong anymore. I just have to live, a virtual zombie. There is no going back. If I don't make it......well, who honestly cares. My mother, and Marty, perhaps. And it's not looking like I will survive. Carrie can make up head pain til the cows come home, and Nicole can rebel against lying in the bed she's made, but I am done.

Rattlesnakes

Moving beyond last night, which actually managed to get worse.....but I'm not in the mood to talk about that. Actually, I'm not really sure what in the hell I feel like talking about. It's almost 4 am, and I'm still awake. Oddly, I have no idea why. Just eating an Italian ice or two, then having a cigarette, then going to bed. "It's so hard to love when love was your great disappointment...."

Phoenix Burning

I feel hateful and horrible tonight. I had a nightmare of a week, and I can't take anything else. So of course, the disgusting pigs in my building have to fuck with me. I never get a fucking break. It's one thing after another. So, I am having a sink-or-swim moment. I'm seriously considering moving back in with my parents. It would be like prison, but I've heard there is a certain safety to that sort of monotony. Locked up in solitary.....yes, I am that desperate. I'm sorry there isn't an easy solution. Trust me, if my parents had a spare house sitting around, I'd take it. But, I'm not that lucky. I left West Chester after a series of gruesome incidents back in 2000-2001. I left my alcoholic, drug abusing husband back in 2007 after trying to commit suicide. I lived. My life has never been easy, but I'm here. I've learned a lot. For one thing, NO ONE is indispensable. If you are killing me, I will leave your ass behind. For another, the things I am most afraid to do are the ones that most need doing. Also, never kick me when I'm down. "Out of the ash, I rise with my red hair, and I eat men like air." And that goes double for snotty, bitchy, spoiled girls.

How Did I Get Here?

Not in a very good place tonight. Just wanting to crawl into bed and hide. I feel completely stuck in a life I can't believe I made for myself. A chorus of "if only" keeps me company in my little self-made mausoleum. I want to go back to myself at sixteen, and shake her awake. I shouldn't have gone blindly into the wolf's den.....but my God, I was a child. Will I forever be doing penance for losing my mind as a teenager? Yes, I realize. Life is hell, and hell is life. 

Arwen

The latest photos of Arwen Kali Crab.....

My tribute to Maegan

"You were just 17, but your laughter was mild. You liked my dreams; you thought I was wild...."

This is for my high school best friend, Maegan. She was the only person who was really there for me through my "lost years" and I will never forget her. Wiry little Maeg, the school photographer, never seen without a camera. She was really someone special, someone I could trust when no one else could be bothered. I have our adolescence in photos, photo she took. I may have been the show-off, but as they say, "I'm nothing without you." It was true. I wouldn't be here at all, sans Maeg, and I will never forget it.

Ricki and Maegan, October 1996

Happy (Early) Valentine's Day!

Carrie (top) and me (below) posing with the idiotic statue at McDonald's on NW Washington Blvd in Hamilton. We did some shopping and hung out at my apartment today. Both of us have medical appointments on Tuesday, so it was our Valentine's Day. It was a great day. <3

Xena

In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle. The power, the passion, the danger- her courage would change the world.

"Sweet Baby James"

This is me singing. Scary, I know, but take a listen, if you want.

My Exciting Life, lol

Bored and up early this morning. Still feeling a little tired. Will probably divide my morning between the internet and cleaning the house, then go to CVS at 11 am. I need paper towels, toilet paper, and to pick up my meds. When I get home, I will either return to cleaning the house, or I will take a nap. I'm thinking right now that the latter is the superior choice. I would go back to bed now, but I want to get my chores and errands over with. It's supposed to snow....hell, it may be snowing now. I haven't looked in awhile. Anyway, that's all I really know. The hysterectomy is now postponed until at least March, pending testing and a possible platelet infusion. My health is such a friggin mess though, I have lost all interest in speaking of it. Just listening to some Dixie Chicks and chillin......

It does get better, right?

What a strange, awful weekend. Today was kind of the culmination of events. I went to a doctor who threw 5000 things at me at once, including that we may not be able to fix both the spleen and the liver. The hysterectomy has been postponed until at least March. So, the past 3 days have sucked beyond belief. But, found a funny photo on RR.com:

Things do get better....lol.

Hell

I want to crawl under a rock and hide. I hate every fucking one of my friends. All three have let me down immeasurably. One is harassing me,  one is ignoring me, and one.....I'm not even certain I still can consider her a friend. She was the closest to me, so it hurts the most. Still....I probably won't even survive the operation, if it ever occurs. If they decide the operation is too dangerous, then I'm taking matters into my own hands.  I'm sick of living this passive life. Let me at least have some final strength in death.

Pin ups

Four older German pin ups,  and 3 photos of yours truly, in pin up mode.

Tombstones

These are three gravestones from my family. The top one belongs to Uncle Tommy, who was my grandfather's twin brother. The middle one is for Aunt Ada and Uncle Buckett, who were my grandmother's sister and brother-in-law. The bottom one is my grandfather's. Gotta love Find-A-Grave!