13 June 2019

A Song of Relevance

"School Night"

she went over to his apartment
clutching her decision
and he said, did you come here to tell me goodbye?
so she built a skyscraper of procrastination
and then she leaned out the twenty-fifth floor window 
of her reply
and she felt like an actress
just reading her lines
when she finally said
yes. it's really goodbye this time
and far below was the blacktop
and the tiny toy cars
and it all fell so fast 
and it all fell so far

and she said:
you are a miracle but that is not all
you are also a stiff drink and i am on call
you are a party and i am a school night
and i'm lookin' for my door key 
but you are my porch light

and you'll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you'll probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is but one of my truths

what of the mother
whose house is in flames
and both of her children
are in their beds crying
and she loves them both
with the whole of her heart
but she knows she can only
carry one at a time?
she's choking on the smoke
of unthinkable choices
she is haunted by the voices
of so many desires
she's bent over from the business 
of begging forgiveness
while frantically running around
putting out fires

but then what kind of scale
compares the weight of two beauties
the gravity of duties
or the ground speed of joy?
tell me what kind of gauge 
can quantify elation?
what kind of equation
could i possibly employ?
and you'll never know, dear 
just how much i loved you 
you probably think this was 
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is just one of my truths

so i
i'm goin' home
to please the one i so love pleasing
and i don't expect
he'll have much sympathy for my grieving
but i guess that this is the price
that we pay for the privilege 
of living for even a day
in a world with so many things 
worth believing 
in

03 May 2019

Aftermath

Friday night in Hamilton. I sit here stoned and slowly devour the contents of my kitchen. Tori is singing "Playboy Mommy" and when I hear "Gloria" I think of Mom.                  

02 May 2019

"Alexa Knows"

Hate to admit it
But you were right all along
Turns out I was just a mirage
Cause he tried to touch me
But his hand went right through
Strange enough all I thought of was you
Flood gates are open
But on the other side
There was nothing
it was all just big hype
So when he asked a question
Why'd you bother to lie
I just wanted something good enough to hide
Was my reply


And I can't help but feel changed
Parts of me ruined
From everything that's happened
And I was trying to be sane
But I don't want to be someone
Who can't believe in magic
So I pretended I'm amazed and that I can't believe my eyes
He made the world disappear but I do that trick
All the fucking time
Did time make me look smarter?
I asked in the parking lot
He said my hair's gotten longer
But I still hide and talk
And I thought I knew by now
Questions only lead to answers
You never could allow
Any scripted banter


And I can't help but feel changed
Parts of me ruined
From everything that's happened
And I was trying to be sane
But I don't want to be someone
Who can't believe in magic
So I pretended I'm amazed and that I can't believe my eyes
He made the world disappear but I do that trick
All the fucking time
Did time make me look smarter?
I asked in the parking lot
He said my hair's gotten longer
But I still hide and talk
And I thought I knew by now
Questions only lead to answers
You never could allow
Any scripted banter


\

20 April 2019

My biggest secret is.....

I have a huge crush on Michael Avenatti. Yes, I am a card-carrying lesbian feminist, but this man defies explanation!

18 April 2019

Memories of Inebriation.....


Liquor bottles that have figured prominently in my life....top photo is from 2010- Marty broke out his Brazilian bottle of booze for my thirtieth birthday. The bottom one is some absinthe from Noonans. I drank it in 2011 during a break with Carrie. 

14 April 2019

Throwback Sunday

Throwback Sunday indeed...that damn cat Carrie took in, atop the crab tank, on 22 Dec 2016.

The last of my sanity

      I shattered last night. Between Andrew and Carrie and all of the cruelty and abuse.....I lost all the pieces,  and I don't want th...