Into The Night

"They say that alcoholics are always alcoholics, even when they're dry as my lips for years, even when they're stranded on a small desert island with no place in 2000 miles to buy beer. And I wonder is he different, is he different, has he changed what he's about?Or is he just a liar with nothing to lie about?" -"Fuel," Ani DiFranco

I wonder if people can break patterns they've always displayed....shit, I wonder if I can. I'm not even sure who I am anymore....I feel so vague tonight. Nothing ever seems set in stone. I'm listening to the Indigo Girls now, remembering a girl who once existed, a me who dreamed of something more than survival. "We were girls in bars, boys on the town, bumping like a pinball off a careless crowd...." I mourn that girl I was, wonder why she died and I am still here. I am a jaded, older caricature of myself at 15. It was over half a lifetime ago, but tonight we run parallel. I can see her; I wonder if she sees me, or would even recognize me. I feel so used up, and I ceased dreaming years ago. I'm overstimulated tonight, and I feel like screaming. But, it never helped her....she screamed for help until the end. Now I just shut up and shuffle along. It's easier to go quietly into the night.....

Boredom

Getting ready for bed right about now...took a nap earlier, but am still a little sleepy. Going to have a Coke and a Camel, then head towards bed, I think. Marty is still texting like mad, but Carrie and Nic are asleep, so it's a little more manageable. I'm just tired, and need some quiet time. Not much to say, really.....

Nerves

Half asleep here in Ohio. Pondering the wisdom of taking a nap, or a pain pill, or both. I'm a little bit scared right now. I am waiting on a phone call, to schedule a hysterectomy. I've done fine all weekend, but now my nerves are on edge. Every little sound grates at me. My friends are texting and calling constantly, and while that is great, I just need some down time right now. So, going to put on headphones and hide out in bed. I'm going to go insane if I don't.

Endometeriosis

The pain is ruining my life. If one more goddamn MAN tells me it's just "cramps," he's painting a target on his head. I am a person living with chronic pain, and I despise what I am. It's charity if you talk to me, listening to what I can stutter out between waves of agony. I'm watching the little bit of life I had in me, draining out like blood from a mortal wound. I got dressed this morning, and yes, it was a major achievement.
The best part is, I suffer from a mood disorder. Thus, no fucking doctors believe a word I say. It's like, something as  simple as (treated) bipolar disorder washes away all of one's credibility. But, I'm tired of bitching, and my stomach is agonizing. It's a sad day when someone has to live like this for no good reason.

It's Like That

Well. Yesterday was a nightmare. So, today I'm trying to stay away from the person who contributed to my foul mood. If I'm going to be in pain, at least my own body will be the cause. I'm making tea right now, and contemplating my next move, as if this were a chess game and not a relationship. She texts, I reply. I'm pretty much acting as if last night never happened, but I know she will bring it up soon. She can't resist. I'm just going to build up the other areas of my life, I guess. I have control there. I can volunteer for Obama. I can sip tea and go through my email. The only thing I can't do is make her love me. But perhaps it was never my battle to win.....

Shopping Trip

Went to Dots today for the first major shopping trip of the new year! I bought a brown dress, jeans, another dress (photo) and the coolest pair of dominatrix boots EVER. See photos:

Family Ties

Shit. I just posted a blog (although it was dull) and changed a few settings, and blam! Gone. I forgot to save it.  Oh, well. I still have no idea what to write about, tonight. I'd like to get off the damn computer by midnight, so I can get up earlier. Maybe I should eat something light. My brain is still going strong. Ok, got up and got chips....let's see....my cousin Alyson announced her pregnancy. I think it's fabulous news, b/c when enough of the "grandchildren" have their own kids, we might stop having communal holidays. My cousin Rachel just had a baby....our family is a bit complicated, though. Mia nonna played favorites in a bad way. Holidays with my father's family were always irritating, b/c I am not one of the chosen. The afore mentioned girls, both born within a year of me, were favorites, and they picked on me mercilessly. Nonna and I have more or less ignored each other my entire life. Even now, I hate seeing those girls. I am summarily left out of all of their conversations, and I am spoken to as condescendingly as possible. Between my mental illness, and lack of a husband, I am ostracized. When the other three girls my age were married, I whined and begged my mother, to no avail, to let me skip the weddings. They were nightmares beyond belief. My cousins are so skinny and perfect, and I looked like a horrendous lump in ill-fitting clothes. Let it be said- I have no problems with any of my male cousins, and I have 2 female cousins who are older, and I adore them (They are also not Nonna's elite). But once Nonna actually dies, I plan on cutting the thin tether that binds me to the three girls my age. We all have a breaking point, and mine is long overdue.