Field Trips

 Andrew is here, and we're talking about field trips from our childhood. I went to an overnight to Cosi in Columbus with the gifted class in 5th grade; that was pretty cool. We got to watch Lil' Rascals films in the little movie theatre at dawn, and spent an evening running wild in the water play section. Another great field trip was at Ursuline, my sophomore year. We journaled on the Serpentine Wall near the Ohio River, then toured the conservatory. After that, they set us loose in the Cincinnati Art Museum, and then we had pizza at a refurbished brothel in Mount Adams. 

The last of my sanity

     I shattered last night. Between Andrew and Carrie and all of the cruelty and abuse.....I lost all the pieces,  and I don't want them back. It's over. I am not anywhere. I don't exist. I don't care about anything at all. My blank eyes tell my story. I am not dead. I am not living. I am gone.

 

 

Fiona Indeed!

I think I might be misbehaving tonight.....No details, but it should be fun, or horrid- one never knows..... 

Zanah

 Once, Marty bought me a Hebrew name necklace. It read "Zanah". Right to left, it's spelled zayin-nun-heh." It means "harlot" in hebrew. My monicker, lol. 

My Sorta Fairytale

 "A Sorta Fairytale"

on my way up north
up on the ventura
i pulled back the hood
and i was talking to you
and i knew then it would be
a life long thing
but i didn't know that we
we could break a silver lining

and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you

things you said that day
up on the 101
the girl had come undone
i tried to downplay it
with a bet about us
you said that-
you'd take it
as long as i could
i could not erase it

and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you

and i ride along side
and i rode along side
you then
and i rode along side
till you lost me there
in the open road
and i rode along side
till the honey spread
itself so thin
for me to break your bread
for me to take your word
i had to steal it

and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you

i could pick back up
whenever i feel

down new mexico way
something about
the open road
i knew that he was
looking for some indian blood and
find a little in you find a little
in me we may be
on this road but
we're just
impostors
in this country you know
so we go along and we said
we'd fake it
feel better with
oliver stone
till i
almost smacked him -
seemed right that night and
i don't know what
takes hold
out there in the
desert cold
these guys think they must
try and just get over on us

and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this
day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you

and i was ridin' by
ridin' along side
for a while till you lost me
and i was ridin' by
ridin' along till you lost me
till you lost
me in
the rear
view
you lost me
i said

way up north i took my day
all in all was a pretty nice
day and i put the hood
right back where
you could taste heaven
perfectly
feel out the summer breeze
didn't know when we'd be back
and i, i don't
didn't think
we'd end up like
like this

~Tori Amos

November Flashback

 Me posing in lingerie, about 6 months ago.

Nightmare Parents

 Oh, what hell this week has been! On Wednesday, 28 April, I went for what I thought would be a quick doctor's appointment. The doctor took one look at the abscess on my hip, and sent me to the ER. They dug out the infection and installed a penrose drain. I was stuck in the hospital until yesterday afternoon. Now, a nurse is coming daily to change the dressing. The dressing must be changed twice daily, so my mother is doing it once a day, as well. I can't deal with my judgemental parents much longer. I am now, in their eyes, hopeless trash, because I don't clean to their very strange standards. I don't want to go near them- I'm tired of the screaming and nastiness. I'm not like them! And you know what? I'm glad!

All Mixed Up

 Today is Sunday.....contemplating bed because I'm old and stoned and want chocolate. I have no chocolate, sadly, so I suppose I'll join the great repose and go to sleep pretty soon. Not that I am weary, but just bored with these things that always seem like sentences to the delirious? Non,  je regrette Rien. Awesome.

420 week

 Monday (19 April) was one of those days where every little thing seems to go awry, but yesterday made up for it. I even got my new Tori tee shirt in the mail! Today so far has been quiet, b ut I expect tonight to be fun....ok, true. I can't think of anything much to say, so I'll stop this entry before I bore myself to death....

My most recent photo

 Me

15 April 2021

Might not awake without you

 I have a confession. Don't worry, I'm not blatantly confessing here. I just have a problem that I thought I had avoided all these years. I am confronting it now, and I will probably talk more about it later. With enough courage and the help of time for distance, I will say more later. All I can say now is, "I'm sorry, and I love you. Sing with me,, Bell Bottom Blue...."

My So-Called Heroine, age 13

The idol of my early teen years- Juliana Hatfield!

End of the Winter

 February was the most life altering month I've had in a long time. I became disillusioned with Shrek, started a serious relationship with Andy...and, on 16 February, I took what I hope was my last hit of crystal meth. I had been using steadily since October, but simply couldn't continue anymore. The weird patches of skin on my body soon started heali9ng and clearing up. Quitting has, so far, been easier than I expected. If I focus on other things, I have no desire to use. Andy has been really a great help too. My life is finally improving.

The nights were long and cold and scary. Can we live through February?

 A recent photo of me (yes, I admit it's been altered a bit). Andy and I are a couple now; he is currently asleep in my bed. Going to go clean the house now! Btw, the title of this post comes from a Dar Williams song....

January Made Me Shiver

 I started the new year at Fort Hamilton hospital with a kidney infection and sepsis, as well as liver issues. I was released the next week...my health was a priority for the month. Next installment of the blog, whenever that is done, will be about the pleasing mess that is early February....

The first post of 2021- A Summary of 2020

 Jan 2020- Matt makes an idiot of himself, but I take him back.

Feb 2020- Nicole goads Matt into buying me roses for Valentine's Day.

Mar 2020- Matt leaves as the pandemic ramps up.

Apr 2020- Carolyn returns midway through the month.

May 2020-I have been in hell, aka The Petty Plaza, for 10 years!

Jun-Aug 2020- I spend most of my time with Carolyn.

Sept 2020- Carolyn and I have a short hiatus at the end of the month.

Oct 2020- The final swan song of Carolyn and Ricki- a tragedy in 13 acts.

Nov 2020- I turn 40 and it seems like a Pretty Good Year.

Dec 2020- The Inferno lights up anew.