Closer

Having stress issues (ie, a panic attack) tonight. I am irritable and mean...and I just want to be solo tonight. On the bright side, here are the lyrics to a song I just heard recently and liked...


"Closer"
(feat. Halsey)

Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you
I drink too much and that's an issue
But I'm OK
Hey, you tell your friends it was nice to meet them
But I hope I never see them
Again

I know it breaks your heart
Moved to the city in a broke-down car
And four years, no calls
Now you're looking pretty in a hotel bar
And I, I, I, I, I can't stop
No, I, I, I, I, I can't stop

So, baby, pull me closer
In the back seat of your Rover
That I know you can't afford
Bite that tattoo on your shoulder
Pull the sheets right off the corner
Of that mattress that you stole
From your roommate back in Boulder
We ain't ever getting older

We ain't ever getting older
We ain't ever getting older

You look as good as the day I met you
I forget just why I left you,
I was insane
Stay and play that Blink-182 song
That we beat to death in Tucson,
OK

I know it breaks your heart
Moved to the city in a broke-down car
And four years, no call
Now I'm looking pretty in a hotel bar
And I, I, I, I, I can't stop
No, I, I, I, I, I can't stop

So, baby, pull me closer
In the back seat of your Rover
That I know you can't afford
Bite that tattoo on your shoulder
Pull the sheets right off the corner
Of that mattress that you stole
From your roommate back in Boulder
We ain't ever getting older

We ain't ever getting older
We ain't ever getting older

So, baby, pull me closer
In the back seat of your Rover
That I know you can't afford
Bite that tattoo on your shoulder
Pull the sheets right off the corner
Of that mattress that you stole
From your roommate back in Boulder
We ain't ever getting older

We ain't ever getting older
No, we ain't ever getting older
We ain't ever getting older
No, we ain't ever getting older
We ain't ever getting older
We ain't ever getting older
We ain't ever getting older
No, we ain't ever getting older

We ain't ever getting older
No, we ain't ever getting older

A favorite Tori quote.....

....in fridge magnets :)

All I Can Say Today

Don't Ask Anymore

I need a jump start; I feel completely stuck, and stifled by my old routines and habits. Not certain what exactly to do. So, for tonight, I'll just chill out, finish my WWII book, smoke....the stuff I always do, I guess. I honestly know nothing else. I'm even wishing it had worked out with Carrie, in some odd way. I feel like the map ends here. Where am I going to?

Saturdays

A nice Saturday afternoon here....it's unbelievably cold outside, but nice and cozy in my apt. Hanging out here with Andrew, just chilling. I have "Winter" by Tori playing on iTunes....today is my mum's birthday, btw. I have decided I need a bit of a break from politics for awhile. I'll turn my obsessive nature over to safer, more peaceful interests, like Game of Thrones, lol. I'm also reading a very comprehensive tome on WWII, from the building library. Of course, as always, the messes I live amongst need cleaning (dishes, mopping, etc), so I really should get going....

My theme song

"Rattlesnakes"

Jodie wears a hat although it hasn't rained for six days
she says a girl needs a gun these days
hey on account of all the rattlesnakes
she looks like Eve Marie Saint in on the waterfront
she reads Simone de Beauvoir in her American circumstance
she's less than sure if her heart has come to stay in San Jose
and her neverborn child still haunts her
as she speeds down the freeway
as she tries her luck with the traffic police
out of boredom more than spite
she never finds no trouble, she tries too hard
she's obvious despite herself
she looks like Eve Marie Saint in on the waterfront
she says all she needs is therapy yeah
all you need is, love is all you need
Jodie never sleeps 'cause there are always needles in the hay
she says that a girl needs a gun these days
hey on account of all the rattlesnakes
she looks like Eve Marie Saint in on the waterfront
as she reads Simone de Beauvoir in her American circumstance
her heart, heart's like crazy paving
upside down and back to front
she says ooh, it's so hard to love
when love was your great disappointment

36

Today is my 36th birthday. Oh, how time flies, lol....Yes " time flies, time dies.."

Anna Nicole Smith

Today, Anna Nicole Smith would have turned 49. I always liked her; she had her own beauty, even though she weighed more than a typical model. She was a very troubled, tragic woman; I hope she has finally found peace.

Busted Flat......

Ok....a favorite bumper sticker, an old photo of Danny Pearl, and a favorite book from childhood....I couldn't be more random if I were stoned? Lol.....

Time After Time, Indeed.....

Time After Time

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion -
Is nothing new
Flashback - warm nights -
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after -

Sometimes you picture me -
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hearWhat you've said -
Then you say - go slow -
I fall behind -
The second hand unwinds

[Chorus:]
If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting 
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has 
Turned to gray
Watching through windows - you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time -

[Chorus:]
If you're lost...

You said go slow -
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds -

[Chorus:]
If you're lost...
...Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time

On Claus' Birthday......

Well, the election is over....very upset about the results, but life goes on, I suppose. Andrew and I are barely speaking, which is probably for the best. The only problem is, I pretty much have no one now. I may reconnect a little with Nicole, I may not. It's nice to have some measure of autonomy, though. My life is my own again. I still am in mourning for all I have lost in 2016, but I accept things as they are. 

Weetzie Bat!

2016 Election

I couldn't bring myself to vote for Hillary after what happened this summer. While I realize it isn't her fault per se, she seems to have a history of defending men's bad behavior..... I identified too much with Monica Lewinsky. I, too, was involved with the boss, and got slut-shamed for my troubles. He got off scot-free; I will always have a certain stigma. I couldn't vote Trump, obviously, so I gave my vote to a smart, liberal woman- Jill Stein. Call me a spoiler, but I have to look at myself in the mirror every morning.

Quotes for the Week

Three quotes of the week, courtesy of Coco Chanel, Doug Hopkins, and Amy Winehouse.

I'm Too Busy Surviving.....

Been away for quite awhile....basically, I joined up with the local Hillary Clinton campaign, had a torrid love affair, and had a nasty ego bruising involving Carrie. We shall never speak again, and frankly, after nine years of hell, I'm glad. The upshot is, I quit the campaign at the end of August. I'm not even certain for whom I am voting! The misogyny I encountered from my organizer turned me off badly.
Well, anyway, not much new since then. It's been tough- I was badly traumatized by what happened. I've become a bit agoraphobic in my old age. But I am a survivor.

An avatar of me

I made this today....any opinions?

 

Cora Pearl

I admit it- if I could go back in time, I would want to be Cora Pearl. Arguably one of the greatest courtesans in history, the chick brought audacity and boldness to new heights. Why be a lady when you could be a whore? 

Amusing Cartoon

The story of my life!

Luckies

A throwback from the days when it was socially acceptable to smoke....

A favorite quote.....

Photos from CincyPride2016

A Song of Strength in a Sad Time

These are the lyrics to "Power of Two" by the Indigo Girls. It's my dedication to the LGBTQ community of Orlando, Florida, after the extreme tragedy this weekend at Pulse. The Indigo Girls are a lesbian folk-rock duo I've been listening to since the nineties. They always gave me the courage to be myself even when it wasn't easy.

Now the parking lot is empty
Everyone's gone someplace
I pick you up and in the trunk I've packed
A cooler and a 2-day suitcase
'Cause there's a place we like to drive
Way out in the country
Five miles out of the city limit we're singing and your
Hand's upon my knee

So we're okay
We're fine
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two

You know the things that I am afraid of
I'm not afraid to tell
And if we ever leave a legacy
It's that we loved each other well
'Cause I've seen the shadows of so many people
Trying on the treasures of youth
But a road that fancy and fast ends ends in a fatal crash
And I'm glad we got off
To tell you the truth

'Cause we're okay
We're fine
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two

All the shiny little trinkets of temptation (make new friends)
Something new instead of something old (but keep the old)
All you gotta do is scratch beneath the surface (but remember what is gold)
And it's fools gold
Fools gold (what is gold)
Fools gold (what is gold)

Now we're talking about a difficult thing
And your eyes are getting wet
I took us for better and I took us for worse
Don't you ever forget it
And now the steel bars
Now the steel bars between me and a promise
Suddenly bend with ease
And the closer I'm bound in love to you
The closer I am to free (free)

So we're okay
We're fine
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two

Songwriters
EMILY ANN SALIERS

 

Throwback

Hanna Crab.....she died on the first night of Hanukkah, in 2012. Sometimes even painful memories are sweet......

A New Selfie

This is me on my "second birthday," 13 May. I woke up 9 years ago yesterday, strong enough to leave captivity. If only I wasn't always ensnared again.....

Suicide Girl Hopeful?

This is going to be my profile pic if I decide to go through with it- becoming a Suicide Girl Hopeful. Yes, I know how old I am, but so much for aging gracefully. I'm going out kicking and screaming....

"I was blessed with a birth and a death, and I guess I just want some say in between..."
-Ani DiFranco

Moment of Forgiveness

An Indigo Girls song I found relevant today.....
"Moment Of Forgiveness"

Well I guess that I was lonely,
that's why I called you on the phone.
'Cause in a moment of forgiveness,
I didn't want to be alone.

And I guess that I was willin,
more than I ever was before.
'Cause in a moment of forgiveness,
I come a knockin at your door.

Baby I woke up cryin last night
just to realize that you were gone.
Has it been two long years without you?
When are you gonna come home?

I guess that I was hoping
that you'd finally understand,
and in a moment of forgiveness,
you'd reach out and take my hand.

Now baby I know you're not one
for bearing witness.
You told me that one wrong move
is gonna sell you out.
I see that you kept your word
And made it harder than it had to be.
Wish I could save you the trouble baby,
give you a little peace of mind.

Baby I woke up cryin last night
just to realize that you were gone.
Has it been two long years without you?
When are you gonna come home?

I guess that I was hoping
that you'd finally understand,
and in a moment of forgiveness,
you'd reach out and take my hand.

Anniversary

Carrie and I haven't really talked or seen each other for 2 years....this is all I can say:

 

Freedom!

I am now officially NOT dating Andrew. I feel free for the first time in what seems years.

This is me. I am now my own again!

Another Year of La Vita Votto

Well, the score is 2-1, Phillies, in the bottom of the eighth. And I imagine this guy is on deck (I looked it up), looking vacant as ever. Beautiful, but vacant, lol. Let the baseball season begin!

A Problem

Every time I look up, it seems, the famous David Bowie poster catches my eye. "David Bowie is very disappointed in you." Sadly, I didn't spend as much time campaigning as I ought to have, and it looks like the presumptive nominee is Hillary Clinton. I realize, the burden of guilt doesn't solely rest on my shoulders, but Bowie is convincing. Ah, well. Listening to Tori and chilling. #420 Don't let friends blog stoned.

My Unusual Name

I have an unusual name, at least for a female- I am named after my father, and thus, called Ricki. I saw this on Facebook, and laughed my ass off. I fucking hate that Steely Dan song!

 

Me

Me in late February 2016. I'm wearing my new halter dress from Amazon.

Petey the Pitbull

The latest photos from my recent dog sitting adventure, with my mom's dog Petey. These were taken circa 20 February:

 

66 Degrees on 19 February in Ohio......

All I really need to say is....

 

Feel the bern

My Bernie Sanders photo/button collection, thus far.

Al Pacino

I was raised in a household where Al Pacino was practically a deity....or perhaps a saint. My favorite Al Pacino film is "Scent of a Woman." My mother may have been madly in love with Michael Corleone, but Frank Slade was an original. Only Pacino could pull it off without seeming, well, ridiculous. This is my favorite line:

 

Storm

This is my new idol, Storm Large.

Head Over Feet

You never know who might understand......

Head Over Feet

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

 

You Remind Me Of The Babe.......

This always gives me the giggles. Fare-thee-well, Goblin King..............

Phoenix

The girl in this photo is dead- she's an old version of me who was broken. It doesn't mean I didn't rise from the ashes.......it just means this girl will never be photographed again. The day this was taken is still razor-sharp in my mind, though. This is who I once was. I'm actually proud of her. She did her best with what she knew.......

For Mom, Someday

"Mom" is what everyone calls my 90 year old grandmother, Gloria Jean Culley, nee Clark. She's doing very well, considering her age and immobility (she's wheelchair-bound). Still, I know one day I will lose this great woman, who was always my second mother. This song is for her.

Childhood favorites

My favorite books from when I was young(well, three of them). I kind of miss kiddie lit.....it was so warm and familiar......

Happy New Year?

Today hasn't been an exactly stellar day. That being said, I found a great Keanu Reeves meme yesterday. (see above).