Geheimes Deutchland

What hell this week has been. I suppose it's to be expected- Claus' yarzheit was Monday- but still! I was rushed to the doctor yesterday, vomiting blood. Probably an ulcer; I get an EGD on Tuesday. Things haven't been peachy romantically, either- he's been ignoring me. Well, he's supposed to come over tonight, so we'll see. I've worn a photo of Claus around my neck all week, like an amulet. All that smoke I exhale goes somewhere, I suppose......

Not Only Numb

I heard this song last night, with a bottle of wine as my sole company.....now I can't get it out of my head.

"Not Only Numb"

Looking all around the room I see the clutter in the gloom
I'm not only back, I'm not only numb
Changing shades within the evening
In a day then I'll be leaving
I'm not only back, I'm not only numb
When the air at home is thin
Getting out then looking in
Yeah she knows, she knows, she knows
It ain't awful hard to tell
What it's like, my little hell
Yeah she knows, she knows, she knows
I'm now familiar with the tone I hear in bed when I'm alone
I'm not only back, I'm not only numb
In the shade below the eaves
Think I could chain smoke anything
I'm not only back, I'm not only numb
When the air at home is thin
Getting out, then looking in
Yeah she knows, she knows, she knows
It ain't awful hard to tell
What it's like, my little hell
Yeah she knows, she knows, she knows
She knows, she knows, she knows
She sees all the cars around the parking lots of bars we've played and stayed
Started laughing, looking down upon the bed that we've made
We've made, we've made, we've made
She sees all the cars around the parking lots of bars we've played and stayed
Started laughing, looking falling down across the bed that we've made
We've made, we've made, we've made
The air at home is thin
When getting out, then looking in
I'm not only back, I'm not only numb
Changing shades within the evening
In a day, then I'll be leaving
I'm not only back, I'm not only numb...

Doctors

I hate doctors. Not because I am scared of their diagnoses; far from it. I hate how self righteous they are. If one needs a drug that happens to be a narcotic, they are labeled a hopeless junkie and treated as if they are a criminal. Nevermind if you've never taken illegal substances, or never even been arrested. You are an addict at their "mercy." It's worse than getting things from a dealer on the street. And God help you if you are over 120 lbs! Doctors are the biggest cause of eating disorders. I truly believe this. Sure, models stare at you from magazines, but doctors treat you like you are disgusting, and risking your health with every ounce. "Health"- the word is wielded like a weapon; if you are in the least displeasing to some moron with a medical degree, you are unhealthy and therefore all problems you may have are your own fault! Fuck genetics, fuck microbes- YOU are lax. They all act like they are perfect......
Must stop ranting now. It does no damn good, just makes me want something really evil, like an ice cream bar.......

Buon Compleanno

This blog is just a "buon compleanno" to some deceased family members......:Nonna Domenica (3 July), Nonnno e Zio Michael (7 July) e Nonna (5 July). Molta amore......

Saints and Poets

Went to the hematologist yesterday....something is really wrong. I'm likely bleeding internally, which could signify a bleeding ulcer or polyp......or possibly colon cancer. It's amazing what the very word "cancer" does to your mind. Mine is now a swirl of song lyrics, mostly "Goodbye Love" from Rent, and "Good Things" by Sleater-Kinney. And that quote about realizing life from Our Town. I need an airplane to wish on, too.....

The lyrics to "here.in my head" by Tori Amos. It reminds me both of high school (L, anyone?) and the past 7 years. Those who not learn from the past......

Here. In My Head

in my head i found you there and
running around and following me
but you don’t, oh, dare, now
but i find that i have, now
more then i ever wanted to
so maybe thomas jefferson
wasn’t born in your backyard
like you have said and
maybe i’m just the horizon you run to when
she has left you there, you, are
here in my head
and running around and calling me
“come back i’ll show you the roses
that brush off the snow
and open their petals again and again”
and you know that
apple green ice cream
can melt in your hands
i can’t, so…
i held your hand at the fair
and even forgot what time it was
and even thomas jefferson
wasn’t born in your backyard
like you have said and
maybe i’m just the horizon you run to
when she has left
you and me here
alone on the floor
you’re counting my feathers
as the bells toll
you see the bow and the belt
and the girl from the south
all favorites of mine
you know them all well
and spring brings fresh little puddles
that makes it all clear
makes it all…
hey, do you know
hey, do you know
what this is doing to me?
oh, here…
here…
here. in my head

Taken from my Deviant Art Journal

Devious Journal Entry

• by LilliMarlene, Moments ago
• Journals / Personal

Ah, che giorno. I am collecting photos of Frank Sinatra, listening to Cole Porter, and feeling like an anachronism, or at the very least, a time traveler. I want to go back and see Billie Holliday sing in Harlem, take in a Rat Pack show in Vegas, or pay a quarter to see a Mae West or Marlene Dietrich film. I want people to understand what my name means without me explaining it. I want to have a soldier fighting Nazis in Europe, carrying my photo with him everywhere.
I want to be one of Mercedes de Acosta's long line of lovers, a scandal in matte red lipstick and heels.I want to be the past.