"Don't you know
They're talkin' bout a revolution
It sounds like a whisper
Don't you know
They're talkin' about a revolution
It sounds like a whisper
While they're standing in the welfare lines
Crying at the doorsteps of those armies of salvation
Wasting time in the unemployment lines
Sitting around waiting for a promotion "
-Tracy Chapman
If I hear one more "have" whining about the "have nots," I will scream. Isn't it enough that we live in a country where social mobility is a joke? Must you take the last shards of pride and self respect from us? The budget that passed in Congress yesterday was a thinly veiled slap in the face for the poor of the USA. You can't get blood from a turnip. Already the leaders elected to represent us have squeezed us dry, while their pundits rub salt in our festering wounds. This is not my country. I cannot afford to be an American any longer. Screw Congress, screw Fox News, and screw whole greedy country!

Hoodies

In honor of Trayvon Martin, 1995-2012.

No Day But Today

"The Heart May Freeze Or It Can Burn
The Pain Will Ease If I Can Learn

There Is No Future
There Is No Past
I Live This Moment
As My Last

There's Only Us
There's Only This
Forget Regret
Or Life Is Yours To Miss
No Other Road
No Other Way
No Day But Today .....
There's Only Yes
Only Tonight
We Must Let Go
To Know What's Right
No Other Course
No Other Way
No Day But Today
  I Can't Control
My Destiny
I Trust My Soul

My Only Goal
Is Just - To Be

There's Only Now

There's Only Here
Give In To Love

Or Live In Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way

No Day But Today"
This is my mantra.......

Attack of the Great Elusive Hamilton Water Slug

'nuff said.

Photos Of The Day

Two funny photos, and one tragic one:

And, finally, an American tragedy:

RIP Trayvon Martin

Cruel World

I swear, the next person who texts me 50 texts in a row of utter bullshit......I hate texting, and all of my friends know it. It gives me a fucking headache. Plus, we're having some kind of weird March heat wave here, and I don't have air conditioning until May. The pain pills made me really sick, and I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm trying DBT Therapy, but it just makes me feel guilty because I'm such an awful person. I just can't do it anymore. My head is pounding, so I can't even think. My girlfriend refuses to have a normal conversation over the phone.....but she also refuses to see me again until her insomnia is cured. She's had insomnia since I met her, over four and a half years ago, so that means we'll never see each other again.....

America!

I am so tired of greed running my country. People constantly bitch and complain about all of the benefits given to poor people. It's like people still believe that if you work hard and do everything "right," nothing bad can happen to you. That couldn't be further from the truth. I guess people have some kind of inherent need to feel superior, or else they are trying to convince themselves they will never end up like those of us who are forced to accept government help. Sadly, I did work hard and get excellent grades in school. Look where it fucking got me.....no one is invincible. Life is not about what happens to you- it's about how you deal with it. If you have enough, be grateful. Don't go picking at other people who aren't so lucky.

Sick Day

This entry will be brief, b/c I'm writing between bouts of vomiting (new med). I am so tired of being sick all of the time. I want to be healthy, for once in my life, to perceive things correctly and keep food down and not worry about dying all the time. I want to be like everyone else, which is something I never thought I'd say. It's depressing, and I think I might just go back to bed. Nothing to stay up for anyway. I feel like I'm going to die, and I'm beginning to wish I could just hurry up and do it.

I Learned The Truth At Seventeen.....

It was a different place in time; perhaps I was a different person. "Would it be my fault, if I could turn you on? Would I be so bad, if I could turn you on....." I remember it like it was yesterday, but I try to leave the memories sans emotion, like a summary of a book I read once. That way, it can't nag at me like a hangnail, the pain both irritating and satisfying. I can hear the bumblebee piano tinkle, my into music, and then I see the endless cascade of brown locks growing shorter with each passing year. The photo of the girl in the sunset sums it all up....

Not Drunk Enough

Me singing Adele.....I'm not much of a singer, but it was fun....

A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

Waiting on my dad for errands today, so I thought I'd map out my day here. First, I'd like to go tanning, but Rick might not have any interest in taking me. I should give him my prrescriptions for Lithium and Prozac, and have him drop them off and pick up my Metformin, while I'm tanning. Maybe he will agree, maybe not. At any rate, one of us needs to go to CVS......I need to go in at some point to buy ink, but I can walk over after he leaves, if he gives me the money. Anyway, I also need to make a short stop at Kroger. I need: salad, a sweet treat, freezer pops, white tea, and a salty snack. Oh yeah, and a 12 pack of soda water. Nice quiet day....I hope.

Mystique

Not sure what to write about tonight.....I'm a bit hungry, so I might make some chili. Not sure what else to do, since sleep is looking out of reach. I went to the Classic with Marty tonight, so I'm way too keyed up to sleep. I guess I'll play Sims and YoVille and stuff. Just a bit bored, and feeling disconcerted. Something is uncomfortable, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. All I know is I need chili, and maybe a chocolate chip muffin. I can figure out my life later, I suppose...

Give Peace A Chance

Not much going on tonight. Just resting at home. It's been kind of a sad day, since a close friend of my parents' died this afternoon. Other than that shock, the Ides of March has gone pretty smoothly......tomorrow will be the 44th aniversary of the My Lai massacre in Vietnam. It's been on my mind lately, with the recent massacre in Afganistan. How can anyone just kill innocent people, especially children, in cold blood? War breeds atrocity, and I can't believe that, with all the cruelty in our history, human beings still feel the need to snuff out lives over petty quarrels. Don't try to tell me about "human nature" because I don't buy it. War is the great tragedy of humanity. There is no honor to be found in needless aggression, and it has been bringing us down since the beginning of time. Death will come to all, but to cause pain and suffering to another person is inexcusable. We must conquer the hatred and anger inside ourselves before it is too late.

Sinning Well

An excerpt from one of my favorite songs from my adolescence:
"Where do I land if I fall from grace?
Will I be redeemed if I seal my fate?
I'll do my penance and rosary-
But will you pray for my purity?"


source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/

The song is called "Sin So Well," by Rebekah. I've been thinking of it often recently. I consider myself a "fallen woman" by society's standards.....but I'm very proud of it. You never know where you will land when you fall, but usually, it isn't as bad as you thought it would be. The worst part is the fear, right before you leap......being respected by others is highly overrated. Hell, being understood by others isn't really a desirable thing, if you ask me. If you truly connect to one person, your whole life, well, consider yourself a success. "Lead us not into temptation- oh, but what a way to go!" 

It's never your fault you can't start your Own winning streak......

Another wakeful night here in Hamilton....I'm looking very forward to baseball season, but otherwise I'm a little depressed tonight. Gotta love rapid cycling.....it just doesn't seem like I really have anything interesting in my life. I play with the computer, clean my house, and smoke cigarettes. It's not much. I guess I could get a new hobby or something, but it all seems so meaningless and empty. There's got to be more to life than this. I'm 31 years old, and I guess I expected....not sure what I expected, actually. I knew life as a madwoman wouldn't be easy, but I never anticipated the monotony and isolation I'm currently living with. I'd like to just pack up and leave my whole life behind sometimes.....
"Listen up now honey, you're gonna be sorry
Can't get out from under a sky that is falling
And you say
No fame no money I'm nobody
The way I'm running has sure got me down
On my knees.
But next stop, Vegas please."

"Wouldn't Take Nothin For My Journey Now....."

The weather is really beautiful today- 70 degrees and sunny. I spent most of the day in West Chester, at my parents (my building is experiencing minor plumbing issues). I sunbathed on their back patio, and listened to the iPod, and texted with Carrie. Nice day. It's supposed to rain tonight and tomorrow, then be beautiful again on Tuesday and Wednesday.
The first paragraph was written earlier. Now I've done my dishes, and ran to CVS for a few odds and ends.....I might sweep and mop the kitchen floor, and perhaps balance the checkbook, but otherwise, I'm just chilling tonight. Will try to go to bed at midnight. Life is rather dull at the moment, but believe me, I don't miss drama and depression......

The Witching Hour....

Bored tonight, but in a good mood.Eating cookies, drinking iced coffee,  and not giving a fuck that the sugar and caffeine will keep me up all night. Anyway, I'll be in bed by 4 am, and there's nowhere I really have to be until tomorrow night. Well, I suppose I'll amuse myself with the computer until then. I just texted Marty that I'm bored, so maybe he'll think of something amusing....or not. Right now, he's giving a soliloquy on his lack of grey hair, lol. I think Carrie is asleep, but I should check. And finish my coffee....

Excerpt from a recent email to Marty

I've read a lot recently about Mormons posthumously baptizing people of other faiths, like Jews. They have baptized some Shoah victims, including Anne Frank, and Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, for example.  I don't care if they baptize people, honestly. It makes them feel better, and it's not like baptism means anything to those of us who
don't believe in it. They're just trying to be nice.....I'd rather be posthumously baptized, myself. I don't even have to know about it :)

Blowin' In The Wind

Not sure what to say today. I've been reading about the Jackson family of Chelsea, Indiana, and I am a bit overcome. Friday's tornadoes hit home with me, because it could so easily have been me. I live in a second floor apartment, and in a situation like that, I wouldn't have a chance. Then I read about Terry and Carol Jackson, married for over 50 years, and I think, I can't even hold together a relationship for half a decade. Shouldn't it have been me? I guess that's negative thinking. No one deserves extreme anything, be it pain or joy. We experience life through the grace of Hashem, and I need to be living accordingly......

Marching On.....

I am covered in blue ink, looking rather Smurf-ish (I bought a fountain pen), but feeling much better. The tornadoes yesterday were horrible, and I want to pray for everyone whose lives have been affected. I live in Butler County, and the storms were headed right for us, but suddenly, miraculously turned around. I am grateful to be here, and my sympathies go out to those who were not so lucky.

Death of a Marriage

It is quite definitively over. I don't want to talk much about it. I do want it to stick this time. I need to find out who I am, outside of her shadow. It's been almost 4 and a half years since it all began, and it's time to move on.  I am not a good person to ask for advice about how to do this kind of thing. I'm just learning as I go. Please respect my privacy. It's as if someone died. Maybe I did......