RIP

RIP Ryan Freel (1976-2012). He was one of the great baseball players.

Sometimes I want to say this.......

Goodbye to Love

Today is best summed up by an old Carpenters song.....

"Goodbye to Love"
'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love
has passed me by
And all I know of love
is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it.

So I've made my mind up I must live
my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love.

There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories

And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for something I could live for.

All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my
only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can.

What lies in the future
is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune
as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that
I've been wrong
But for now this is my song.

And it's goodbye to love

I'll say goodbye to love.

Tears Dry On Their Own

This song is on an endless loop in my head.......
"Tears Dry On Their Own"

All I can ever be to you,
Is a darkness that we knew,
And this regret I've got accustomed to,
Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night,
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don't know why I got so attached,
It's my responsibility,
And you don't owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity

[Chorus:]
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And in your way, in this blue shade,
My tears dry on their own,

I don't understand,
Why do I stress A man,
When there's so many bigger things at hand,
We could a never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal,
Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes true,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon,

I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men,

[Chorus]

So we are history,
Your shadow covers me
The sky above ablaze,

[Chorus]

I wish I could say no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
Cause as we kiss goodbye the sun sets
So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above ablaze that lonley lovers see,

[Chorus]

[x2:]
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And in your way,
In this deep shade
My tears dry

"Horses"

Tori Amos singing one of my favorites.

Drama

Wow. Tuesday evening was awful. I got a horrid, bigoted form letter from a certain orange-hued person who is prominent in American politics. I'm sorry if he think it's "special rights" that LGBT people not be fired over who they are or who they love.....if he is indeed that delusional. My real guess is that he's catering to the tea party in an election year. Ugh.

Otherwise, all is drama lately, and I'm getting fucking sick of it. When I have to weigh every word I say, I am uncomfortable. If I get uncomfortable enough, I move on.

Me and Nicole

A photo of me and Nicole, sometime last month.

My So-Called Past

So I've been indulging in some nineties nostalgia tonight......watching "My So-Called Life" on DVD and listening to old music. It's weird, knowing how it all turns out, especially knowing how I turned out. Who would've thought my motto in 2014 would come from a 22-year-old song, but "if you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down." I was an overachiever, especially when I was having unmedicated manias. But the fall was never worth the high. You can't survive like that. And "whether it's heaven or hell, I'm gonna be living to tell...."

Reply to the World

Yes, I am a madwoman....but who in the hell are you to judge?


Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do
 

There ain't nothin' I can do or nothin' I can say
That folks don't criticize me but I'm going to do
Just as I want to anyway
And don't care just what people say

If I should take a notion, to jump into the ocean
Ain't nobody's business if I do
If I go to church on Sunday, then cabaret all day Monday
Ain't nobody's business if I do

If my man ain't got no money and I say, "Take all of mine, honey"
Ain't nobody's business if I do
If I give him my last nickel and it leaves me in a pickle
Ain't nobody's business if I do

Well, I'd rather my man would hit me
Than for him to jump up and quit me
Ain't nobody's business if I do
I swear I won't call no copper, if I'm beat up by my papa
Ain't nobody's business if I do, nobody's business
Ain't nobody's business, nobody's business if I do

Endings

Well, I suppose today had to come at some time.... I am through with Carrie. I have regrets- I will never see the crabs again, nor will I have anyone to watch Hannibal with. But I can't deal with the awful way she treats me, and I won't put up with it. I'm not her bitch, nor have I done anything to deserve this treatment. So, as the great Isadora said, "Au revoir, mes amies! Je vais au gloire!" If I die tonight,
I died on my own terms.